self centered, blunt, sarcastic, and true

nothing

2011-12-06T02:53:00.000-08:00

i shud have just said ntg......
i dunno y i tot it'd b any different this time really
it happened b4, it'll happen again
y did i think it ll b any different
yea u think u r different
bt i'd believe dat if u din reACT n say things dat r da same as the rest
sure u r a romantic
sure u understand
really? do u really think so?
i may nt b understanding in ur eyes
bt hey were u really dat understanding to begin wit
yea sure u do hav ur level of understanding
bt really? do u think u do understand everything?
my reASONs n my past may nt b AS tragic as urs
bt does dat make me any less human than u?
yea i did something wrong
even if i did the right thing it may b wrong to someone else
so hey as usual i take the blame
yes i am wrong
i am a bitch
yea im out to ruin ur life
bla bla bla blahhhh
y is it dat it is always my fault?
u put me on the spot
i had to choose between protecting ur feelings by lying to u or tell the truth n face a sad perhaps angry face till the day we break up because of all the doubts of untold feelings
we were practically strangers at dat time
hw would i know better if u were to hate me or respect me for dat
n now after 6 months together ur taking back n doubting everything i said or say for something dat happened on day 1
words r easy to say
but actions take every passion in u to do it
so i stand corrected
was everything dat i suffered everything dat i sacrifice for you meant ntg just because of dat L word?
i guess i should have just said ntg

men!!!!????

2011-08-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

owh fuck this!!!!
i am irrational?? emotional????
but above all IRRATIONAL???
nt every fucking thing i do or feel is irrational!!!!
if it is really irrational then wat the fuck do u wan??
me to nt have feelings n b a fucking robot?????
i feel something i hav no control of n i'm wrong to feel dat way???
i am fucking irrational to feel dat way????
i am FUCKING PUNISHING US?????
DO U FUCKING THINK I WANNA FEEL LIKE THIS??
DO U THINK I FUCKING WANNA THINK OF U FUCKING 2 OTHER GIRLS WHEN I MISS YOU???
BT NOOOO.... I AM PUNISHING US!!!!
WAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???
I TELL U HOW I FEEL COZ I HOPE FOR SOME CLOSURE
MAYBE SOME EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING
AND YES IT DOES FUCKING BOTHER ME TO FEEL LIKE THIS
HAVING IMAGES LIKE THIS POPPING IN MY MIND DOES BOTHER ME
THEY UPSET ME
THEY DISGUST ME
OF COZ THEY DUN DISGUST U IF ITS ME IN IT INSTEAD!!!
COZ THEY R NT FUCKING TRUE!!!!!
IT BOTHERS ME COZ I REALLY FEEEL LIKE I'M TASTING ALL THE OTHER GIRLS YOU FUCKED!!!
WAT MAKES ME SO FUCKING DIFFERENT FROM THEM TO YOU THEN??
i dunno wat feelings u had wat was going through ur mind???
then wat about my feelings?????????
y cant i have feelings tooooooo???????????????
i want to nt feel like this
i want to trust u
i want u to b there wen i need u the most
bt u say I'M PUNISHING US FOR FEELING DAT WAY???
FUCK YOU!
N YET U DUN UNDERSTAND SHIT N U FUCKING DARE SAY IM FUCKING IRRATIONAL???
DO U EVEN THINK FOR A SECOND I WAN TO HAVE FLASHES OF U FUCKING 2 GIRLS AT THE SAME TIME?????????
NO I'M PUNISHING US!!!!!
I AM FUCKING PUNISHING US???!!!!!
YEA SURE UR AFRAID I'LL CRASH AND BURN
IF U CAN EVEN THINK I CAN CRASH AND BURN, THEN Y CANT U SEE???
Y CANT U FUCKING UNDERSTAND WAT I'M GOING THROUGH????
NOOOOOOOO
I . AM . PUNISHING . US !!!!

wet pillow

2011-07-21T00:09:00.000-07:00

ah time to blog or i'll burst again..
nah la i cant burst even if i want to actuallly
too good in keeping all my feelings bottled up, compressed and compressed some more to feel any real sorrow
bt then again if dats da case y do i then feeeeellll sad hurt and totally used like a bloody tampoon
lolz
i dun understand myself anymore so it seems
its funny really to find tears for a wound in ur chest only to find out why it was there in the first place?
did somebody put it there? whats really bothering you?
why u ask?
well it coz of my awesome skills of just chucking everything that feels anything negative into a pool of negativity and then bury it and nt think bout it anymore
so good in fact i am so confused as to wat the heck is going on inside my head
bt at least this time i know wat i'm so hurt about
how is this ok? how to make it ok?
after the things i've done, i do look in the mirror and i ask myself wat have i done, feeling disgusted with myself.. but wat if one day, u meet someone, fall in love and found out that he's even dirtier than you?
makes u think alot more huh......
suddenly u revaluate everything that happened between you two
n suddenly the picture you painted of him for yourself turns how to be the ugliest picture ever laid eyes on coz it's just a figment of your own imagination
yea how could you love him more after wat he has done in the past
you wonder how he sleeps at nite and you wonder hw he could look himself in the mirror and still likes the slut he is
bt who am i to judge? if this is the case.. y am i still wit him?
can i even still be wit him?
look at him like how i looked at him before?
it feels like i hit a rough patch, felll down and scrapped my knee but y do i feel like my chest is hurting instead

booze

2011-05-21T04:46:00.000-07:00

today never really started and now i dunno how its gonna end..
as i play this sad song again again again and again..
i learn to live a little longer..
as i play this sad song again again again and again
i felt the stab in my chest
the tightness in my breathes
my irregular intakes of air
the rythm of my beating heart gets faster and gets louder
emitting echo of its pounds to the walls of my body
wat did i do wrong?
why did it have to end now?
wat should i do now?
to end this misery.........
just as easy as he was to add himself in my life
just within those mins he deleted me from his
just hw long can i keep this strong face?
lol
it just broke......

2011-05-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this!!!!
im so angry with myself!
im so angry with myself!!!
im so angry with myselfffffffffffff!!!!!!!!
fffuuuucccccccccccccccckkkkkkk!!!!!
fuck this fuck dat fuck everything!!!!!!!!

2011-05-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

shit this world
fuck this world..
i know this is life bt once upon a time when i thought the world was good.. they took away my dad..
i dun get it.. how come stuff always happen to ppl who thinks maybe there really is some good in this world...
i dunno..... u tell me im nt wrong.... u tell me its nt my fault...
so nw wat? y do i feel like im worng.....
wat do i tell myself?? i tell myself he's just here to satisfy my sex drive.....
just like he's here to satisfy his.......
coz his gf is nt around.. he needs so just let go......
he doesnt feel dat way bout me.....
he just want me for my body.......
yea keep telling urself dat roz......

dun look back in anger

2011-04-15T03:23:00.000-07:00

haih... all i can say is... i hate myself for dragging it so far... i'm sorry to whoever you are in aus.. im sorry..... lolz.. y shud i take all the blame? he's also to blame..... bt coz i know he's already taken, yet i still wen through it......... i shall take the blame.....

2011-03-29T20:28:00.000-07:00

im thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking... of him again........ all coz of a song dat's singing exactly how we felt the night b4 i went to sg... stupid-ness

just times

2011-03-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

honestly... there'll b times i feel like i dunno who i am..
n then there're times im so stubborn tat i know who i am
n then there're... just times.......

n now this time, i kinda dunno who i am really.......
who am i to u?
am i just............a fling? a fren? a bro?
lolz..........
i dunno wat to think n i dunno how i shud think..........
i feel like feeling despressed all alone......
n i am alone...........
bt im nt in pg......
being alone in a place u know, is alot better than being alone in a foreign country......
i am a loner.......
i suffer in silence n i hate to show weakness .......
bt hw am i to do dat wen my expressions always give me away......?
smile sarcasticly? fakely?
ah whatever....
i walk alone, this is how it's always meant to be anyways.....
ntg bothers me n ntg ever shud......

time to clear the codwebs

2011-02-16T20:47:00.000-08:00

shall i blog?
ahhh... stupidity....
you know, sometimes i wonder bout life..
why is it dat timing in my life is either always rite or always always rite..
its always the decisions that will determine the next period in my life that always appear if i just wait..
patience is and always will be a virtue...
afterall good things always comes to those who wait..
seems like i realised something bout myself..
the guys whom i like bt still reject are those who are pushy and impatient..
they always seem to wan me now n letting them wait for a few days or even a few more hours might be fatal to them..
is their ego too high and mighty or are they too shit for brains to only think of themselves to forget to think for the other person too..
you know, i understand having to wait for an answer is the hardest part bt then is it really so difficult to wait for something u really want?
cant u understand that maybe the other person has his/her reasons to have to make u wait??
bt nah... u guys nvr think...... all u ever think is ur dick.......
i do have reasons for everything i do...
having someone i like to wait.. dun u think i think its stupid? i mean i like the guy, he likes me, y nt go grab it n eat like an all u can eat buffet b4 everyone else finish it..
pls... i also think for u if i am ready to be anyone's girl...
if i can give u all my love without any hesitation, dun u think i would've given u an answer..?
bt since i cant, n no doubt i do like u, n its because i do like u, i wanna be the girl u deserve to have.. always being the best i can, instead of forcing myself to be someone i'm nt ready to be yet.. bt of coz, i dunno went will my mind clear and i can look at u the way i shud; unbreakable and forever shud my gaze be on u...
ah bt time always has its way in my life, the more i wait, the more it tells me bout u..
stubborn and unconvincing..
u say u love me? then hw come i dun feel it at all...
yea.. coz of how u handle the situation and coz of how u decide to treat me..
i rather walk alone than to stand next to someone who'll drag me into a dark hole just so he would feel better..

2010-12-31T02:22:00.000-08:00

wat is wrong with him??
i mean to have sex with someone other than your gf and thinks its alright just coz ur gf wont have sex with you..
wat in the world makes u think something so wrong can be even categorised as 'ok'??
its like wen ur gf find out ur cheating behind her back, u shoot back to her saying dat its her fault dat he cheated just cause she din wanna have sex with him??! where the hell is the respect?? wat the fuck is going on in this world?????
so wat now?? suddenly the ppl who dun feel like having sex or is nt as active as the other person to blame??? is it really our fault dat we deserve to be cheated on??? don they have feelings as well?? dun u think its really shallow to think that way?
A: i wanna have sex
B: ok sure..
*after 10 mins B is already satisfied, A however is not*
so A thinks: hmmm.. since B's sex drive is not up to par, i think i'd find C for sex. i'm nt cheating.. i'm just satisfying my sex drive by making love to someone else. it would be strictly platonic. and at the end of the day, if A finds out, it would be her fault for not being able to satisfy me..

honestly BULLSHIT!!! if this is not cheating and in anyway ok, then y dun u just go tell A ur fucking someone else!!!! afterall she shouldnt get mad and be all understanding bout it and then feel bad u have to have sex with someone else!!! in your own twisted lil world in ur head, this is right???? WTF man!

wat if ur da one being replaced? how would u feel??? if u caught her cheating on u then she blames u dat its ur fault then wat?? u would also feel sorry to her and beg her forgiveness and allow her to cont to act making her think its alright to do something so cruel????? FUCK YOU!

karma: do v have a love hate relationship?

2010-12-30T12:46:00.000-08:00

this is it
time to write bout whatever i wan again..
gosh, wat a year.....
so many drama........................
lolz at the of it all, it was worth going through shit..
i'm naturally a neutral person so y do i still go through so much shit?
this is world there are the planners, actors, directors and then there are spectators.
of coz i am nt a planner, i can be an actor, definitely not a director and i am without doubt a spectator. i like observing and learning.. i dun like getting involved face to face with something.. i'm the one who is always there but is never entirely at the front. the only time i'm in front is wen i'm pushed to be at the front.. n its never by choice.. lolz..
as a spectator i observe, take it all in, and i see things that normally ppl miss out.. i learn faster n i know who to trust better than the rest. is it a gift? nah.. i'm just a very boring person who likes to do nothing but observe..

nowadays the world of men really puzzles me.. shud i or shudn't i? that is the question..
if i listen to my heart then yea definitely i shudnt.. bt then again there's still the longing for it to happen.. as a person.. shud i? haha.. i'm emo.. or at least that's what ppl like to categorise me as.. i'm a loner, i'm an observer, and i rather suffer in silence than to pretend i'm happy.. therefore, i'm emo? lol... dun pity me.. suffering in silence is blissful..

this year, i broke up with a guy i was in love with.. and after that i fell for a guy who wouldn't leave me alone for all the right reasons.. n then he broke up with me for the same reasons i broke up wit the first guy.. life truely is ironic.. bt i understand, coz he did it for our own good, just like i did it for the other guy..

then now i find myself still longing for the same kind of love from the same guy so many miles away.. y is it wen i finally found someone who can give me the exact same love i give has to be someone who is so far away? we r perfect for each other, or at least i thought so and i still think so.. i wanna see him again, if i dun i dunno if i can ever get over him.. i wanna see him again, cry the remanining tears in my heart, n i wanna move on n not give up in finding happiness.. or i can always suffer in silence.. dat is my specialty..

now i am offered an alt to cont till the day i do see him again n get my heart broken again just for the sake of pleasuring my conceince by suffering.. hooray..
shud i take it? i am lying to myself.. n there can nvr b anyone better for me than him but shud i still do it just coz i miss him too much i need another body to help me get through the next few months? is it even right for me to do it though 'the body' says it is ok and he needs me as well to fulfill some sick twisted logic he convinced himself its alright...

is it cheating? n would it come back to haunt me? karma is a bitch afterall.. its nt like i'm hurting myself or him.. bt i think i'll b hurting his gf.. though its his fault n he knows whats going on and all.. n his logic is so...crazy that he thinks its alright.. crazy n ridiculous.. i would nvr do dat ever! bt since he thinks its fine.. shud i still go through with it though it's platonic.. i mean wont i also be responsible????????? gah akfksdnfowijf!!

agony

2010-11-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

cant u see.. the fact is dat.. u dun belong there anymore.. it has a new owner.. left it alone... i cant.. i have to see it.. i have to feel it for myself.. before i let myself get crushed..but the fact is dat it was never really dat great.. it isnt bout how it was.. it was how it was with me..and dat was dat matters.. just like it was all i ever wanted... it's ok... time is on ur side... i wanna see it....you will.. in time.. and you will be in agony once again.....

2010-10-24T02:33:00.000-07:00

its been more than a month and i'm still thinking of him before i sleep..
sure i do think of another guy too but the fact i'm still thinking bout him dat strongly doesn't make a difference i think of ten other guys before i sleep..
its sad really. it's not like it's a crime to think of him..
it's just a prove i can never get over him till i dunno...
what exactly should i do to get over him?
see him one last time..?
say a proper goodbye?
i know he's already moved on..
already has someone else to replace me..
n i'm now just a distant memory in his mind..
it's not like i cant do the same for him
he's now existing just a memory too
just like every other man who stepped into my life
all they have now are only memories
but in this case....
i dunno... it's alot more complicated than that
day by day i grow dull
turning all we had into memories then into nothing
is harder than i tot..
i wanna forget it all
i wanna bury it..
i wan it all gone.....
n only smile wen i see him n be happy that we had something b4
in time i will be able to do dat..
but how do i make it faster..
i know i'm being greedy
but i need this now more than ever

another day

2010-10-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

its already pass my bed time..
i have class tomorrow..
another day another joy
another day another smile
another day another despair
another day another sadness
another cloudy day another cut
another rainy day another sad song
another twilight another reason to cry

another day another memory gone
another day another picture burned
another day another starless night
another day another lie
another day.......
another day another reason
another day another heartbreak
another day another unanswered question
another day losing all hope
another day losing sanity
another day losing strength to pretend
another day heaving a heavy sigh

another day falling
another day dragging myself back up
another day wishing
you could just rip your heart out
stop it from hurting
stop yourself from feeling
stop it from moving to another day

another day wishing
you never saw the truth
another day wishing
you were stronger today than yesterday
to face the truth

vodka the super depressant

2010-10-08T23:49:00.000-07:00

all i can say is i dunno y bt i'm breaking up inside..
wen i'm with my frens i hide my real feelings
and then i come home
i close the door
i break down on the inside
i dunno how to describe the feeling
of not having anything
but i have everything
i know its weird what i'm saying
but sometimes i rather not have anything
than to feel how i felt
its like my heart is crying
as i put on a brave face
everyone thinks i'm so strong
so brave
nothing can bring me down
they're wrong
coz if they're true then why do i feel like i'm falling apart?
i blame vodka
lolz.. random

life as it is

2010-09-28T07:14:00.000-07:00

right now i'm surviving in singapore
just ended a really meaningful or a relationship that to me was meaningful enough to cherish till the day we fell apart..
honestly i din expect this bt then again...
a relationship is a two sided thing..
it takes two to tango
and then there comes a time the music will stop playing
would you still continue to dance?
the song ended a long time ago
and in the end
it was only me on the dance floor

it's ok..
this is life afterall
you dun get everything you want
and the things you want, you always lose it in the end
we cry
we throw tantrum
we cry some more
we complain that life is unfair
and then we move on

in my life
i think there's a reason why i'm born
and the reason is greater than any heart break out there
but still why is it that i cant be happy just a little while longer everytime?
i mean i know in the end i will accept that 'it' is bigger than this
but then again..
cant i do 'it' and be happy all at once?
cant i find someone who would cherish me for who i am
and be stronger than me at heart?

i'm only 22 but why is it i feel dat my life has already exceeded its limits
yet i find that my life just started..
what is this?
to make me stronger and wiser at a younger age?
to make me learn the hard way?
bt then again i am not ungrateful that my life is eventful
just...
i wish that everything that i wanted doesnt come with a price..
bt then again
that's life as it is..

2010-09-23T05:50:00.000-07:00

i cant call him coz i told myself i wont call him..
so i wont call him..
i really wont call him

he broke all his promises
he lied to me
he gave up on me
he have no time for me
he wans someone else
he doesn't love me anymore

i wont call him
i wont...
i wont want to take him back
i wont want to think about him
i wont
i dont want to

hey jae oppa
do u remember all the stupid promises u made to me
remember how guilty u make me feel wen i dun believe u
remember wat u said to me wen finally i believe u
n remember my tears wen i did believe wat u said
n it all turned out to be lies?

you asshole

.......

2010-09-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

found a song that describes exactly how i felt, feel and will b feeling for the next 20 days or more..

before i start, i just wanna say something.. i really rather be the dumpee than the dumper.. it hurts alot less wen ur nt trying to break someone else's heart.... i know its a weird statement bt i'm already weird in the beginning so.. yea.... it's so much easier to get ur heart broken than to break another... though the tears are the same, it's easier to let go.. especially wen u have done nothing and all u can to keep the relationship alive.. its easier to let go wen its nt ur fault..

without words by 9th street

i shouldn't have done that
i should have pretended i din know
as if you were invisible
as if i couldn't see
i guess i shouldn't have ever looked at you
i should have run away
i should have pretended i couldn't hear
pretend i couldn't even hear
as if i was deaf
i should have never listened to your love

*chorus*
without words you made me know love
without words you gave me love
because you let me even hold your breathe and then ran away
without words love left me
without words love threw me away
what should i say?
i think my closed lips were startled on their own
because it came without words

why does it hurt like this?
why does it keep hurting?
except for the fact that i can't see you and you're not here
everything is the same as before

*repeat chorus*
without words my tears flow
without words my heart is collapsing
without words i wait for love
without words i ache for love
i'm lost in confusion
i became a fool
because i only look at the sky and cry
without words separation finds me
without words separation came to me
i cant be ready
having send you off
i think my heart is startled
because it came without words

without words it came
without words it's leaving
like a passing fever
i think it might hurt only a while
because it only left a small scar

dun cry

2010-08-23T02:02:00.000-07:00

finally i reach singapore...

leaving behind.... so many things..... who ever said chasing a dream doesn't mean leaving behind things equally important to your heart...

mummy pls dun cry... i love you.. i will always be your little girl...
jae oppa.. i love you too.. wait for me.. we will be together again..

time is here

2010-08-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

time sure is a weird thing.. seems like when i was young all it could ever do was slow down and now i'm all grown up.. all it could ever do is speed up! every min feels like a second and months feel like days...

haih... why does time always speed up for me when i'm having fun..? or maybe its coz of the drama in my life.. all types of ppl in it to make it shit and beautiful at the same time.. time time tiemt eitm!!1\

ish ish sih! well this is it ppl.. i'm going to start my journey into life.. there's no turning back.. though i could still choose otherwise.. i'm not the type to back down from wat i've started.. especially since it was what i wanted in the first place...

this is what i want.. and this will be how i'm gonna get everything else that i want.. so this also means... no turning back.. getting back up when i'm down and just grit my teeth through all the shit i'm gonna go through and everything everyone else gonna put me through.. yeaaa...

this isn;t bad.. flying had always been my dream and it still is... i'm gonna live the dream..! bless me whoever's up there, bless me in this journey..

sleepless nites. afternoon, mornings and nites..

2010-08-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

gosh its freaking damn 9 am and i din sleep since like 24 hours ago.... i think.. nah i'm exargerating.. anyways i'm supposed to b sleeping la now!

last nite my bf cant sleep n now i cant sleep......

anyways since i cant sleep annyhow so y dun i just blog bout something really random n stupid since dats wat blogs are basi touchcally for besides the usual rants and heart breaks....

so here's the usual rant of the day....

bloody PMS which is something every girl has before her period and wat separates each and every girl from one another and in conclusion get guys to believe that girls are coplicated..! duh! to girls, guys are complicated too..? and do we complain??? no..... we just gossip bout it and laugh at how other guys dicks might be smaller than our boyfriend's...

so anyways... PMS this time is a bloody killerr! not only it came like 1 - 2 weeks early this time, it bloody got me into a really confusing state in terms of emotions..... some girls like some of my frens get really touchy, angry, crazy, bitchy at this time... mine is more towards the easily more emo and sad........

so whatever that probably doesnt really offend me, offended really bad this time... sorry to my bf who got the whole blast of it.... but there were some really hurtful stuff though.. maybe if i were more sober it wouldnt go so badly... i think...... anyways he knows i'm having pms since i told him so at least he apologises all the time to try not to change my good mood to .... welll... you know.................................................

recently been thinking lots bout my exs and how their lives now... one in uk, one here, one there... everyone seems to have moved to better lives or darker paths.. but wherever they went i do keep in touch only with those who din annoy or suffocate m in relationships b4.... i mean the boys i dated are nothing like each other.. god knows i dated weirdos, sissies and freaks..... *thinking bout one particular one* *goosebumps*

hmmm... speaking bout exs... what exactly should we do to them? alienate them from our lives? but why do ppl do dat? they were a part of your life once.... why deny someone who meant something to you once? well i understand if that person was really freaky and you dated him/her out of spite, revenge or just pity and regretted.... well then maybe u shud get away from him/her... might be stalkers... they'll stalk your facebook, msn, and even your blogs *stares at reader*

ah........ i should sleep i guess...... feels like gastric coming... dman it! i just bloody ate! sheesh!! there's no satisfying this body huh!!!

well i'll just write something random b4 i wrap this pointless post up:

gentle winds of august
swept me away with its lust
crush my dreams into dust
but allow my love to last

for my heart is going away
might i convice it to stay
on my bed, here i lay
come back to me, is all i can say

me n you

2010-06-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

time flies so fast..
when all you can think about were high sch days
before you know it, you're a university graduate..
how nice to know you still have years of study ahead
then suddenly time pressed the fast forward and you're now standing in a formal suit
just like from one guy to another
my heart broke with scars of healing and breaking again
bt then again, there is always a guy out there who walked the same path as me
who also had gone through so many hardships and heartaches
and when both of you finally meet each other
you wondered if the time you spent all those years were really so fast afterall
maybe it only felt fast with so much happening in your life
till you meet each other..
finally both roads meet and connects into one
you look at each other and you feel a shudder..
not the eerie kind but the warm kind that leaves a warm and shy feeling in your heart
both know wat to expect in situations that requires experience
just as both know that nothing in this world last forever
with so much in common
dare you take the next step?
your hands strecthed to reach out to mine..
i though maybe since you have faith in me
i should have a little more faith in you too.....
i'm reaching out to your hand..
don't ever let go or i might fall as we continue our journey on this road..

official/unofficial new bf?

2010-06-07T02:43:00.000-07:00

hmmm...
just a random tot..
seems like all my love interest are different in so so so many ways till they are all incomparable to one another...
like my last ex, though he is really just a kid, he has his good points in making me still try to make things work between us for more than a year..
and wen i decided to let him go coz he's seriously killing me mentally n emotionally, he go n get tricked by a vixen who is already a bitch to another good fren of mine, who is also dat bastard's good fren!! gawd!! good loyal frens with brains are hard to come by these days..
wat is it?? you will never get involved in ur frens love interest? wat??
damn fucking hypocrite la u!
some more played and lured another fren then wen i asked, act innocent, dunno y she like you n some other fucking bullshit like dat?
n dat bitch is supposed to be her fren? best fren somemore! even supposedly sisters!
wtf la wei!! backstabbing bitch and bastard..
ah well... match made in heaven... ironic huh?

oopss.. rant bout other stuff pulak...
back to da same topic...
tot i already found the best of the best in men..
bt then i was wrong once again to think i will never find a better guy than my ex..
hello, mr. Hwang..
3 years older than me, thk god!
so damn matured that i'm just stunt and happy
for his intellect is like a breath of fresh air.................................
downside is... bloody idiot from bloody korea!
long distance relationship across the sea..................................
shit you! make me have to learn korean and go there work!
oh wait... dat is bloody fantastic!! who the fuck wanna stay in this shit country anyways..
i'm definitely going there!@!!

a broken heart

2010-06-07T02:38:00.000-07:00

its so hard to do the right thing...
though its necessary, sometimes you have to do it for the sake of the other person..
and when you see the end result,
it's something that proves your decisions were right..
you know you should smile...

so you smile...
with a broken heart...

so you wave goodbye..
with a broken heart..

so you walk away...
with tears from your broken heart..

2010-05-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

fucking adorable

whhooo hooo!

2010-05-22T04:11:00.001-07:00

omg had a totally wiped out nite last nite...

thks to rayson, abel, xia yue, kate, mandy and jae for taking care of me!

love you all to bits~!

damn.. its like drank too much and too fast.. haha! o yea! PINKY CHAI if you're reading this, i totally tasted white wine! it's so nice.. drank like tak tau orang till had on to hold all the ppl i mentioned above just to stand.. why? cause its freaking free flow!!

haha! fucking damn high n happy! hahaha!!
if rayson wasnt there i think i would have been sleeping on the floor de.. thks for allowing me to hold on to you.. and really sorry also...
abel.. you're sweet as usual.. xx..
and xia yue! damn long time din enjoy with you de.. you're also a high kaki! hahah! miss u man!

kate and mandy! HUGS!!!!!!

jae... thks for coming all the way to upr from your house just cause i texted u dat i'm drunk... was touched wen u told me you actually took a taxi just to come find me and take me home... felt so lucky wen i heard your voice last nite whispering in my ear that you're here.. you're so so so so so so so sweet and i'm sorry for the trouble! thk you so much..

lalallalalalalla!
owh yea! to a particular person who was staring and looking and had been throwing at me hate glances from the side the whole nite! FUCK YOU! wen you were drunk you were throwing a fit and crying like nobody's biz n i had to fucking take care of you then.. haih.. regret and embarassment of my life..!

who r u to judge anyways? y dun u go get a life b4 telling ppl to get a room..? :)

love is blind?? middle finger

2010-05-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

hmmm.....
have to blog bout this cause seriously this is a world class case of a bitch....
n i tot i was a bitch
but hey sometimes, it takes one to know one
n owh yea, she's definitely a bigger bitch than me
thk you god! i tot i was a big heartbreaker
but then u opened a window n said to me "hello! dun flatter yourself cause i created a bigger bitch, so just sit back and enjoy the drama i'm about to show you"

wow...
dats one ugly crafted bitch..
i dun mean ugly as in the face
i mean ugly as in her heart

she actually had the nerve to get angry at me after the show she put up dat nite?
like get angry at me for telling the truth?
angry at me for saying dat i wanted to slap her?
ok.. for ur info.. all i said was "why the fuck is she making him so sad? why is she treating him like this? he is such a nice guy, so why is she making him so angry? isn't she suppose to b better than me? then y is she doing this?? WHY IS SHE MAKING HIM SO SAD AND ANGRY??! argh! i wanna hit her for doing it!!"
dats all i said n i was half drunk wen i said it too..
n she wanna get angry at me for saying dat?
erm i'm sorry bt are u trying to pull me into this and make this your problem so u'll distract the blur guy from the real problem and cont to twist him around your finger?

pls la.. its obvious u can only fool dat sucker so cont la..
getting angry at a half drunk person is seriously juvenile..
o wait you ARE juvenile...
my bad.... *roll eyes*

then after all dat dat guy defended her??!
ok.. they belong to each other......
both also in denial and dun wanna accept the truth
both also always push away the REAL problems then act like the 'current problem' is actually the real problem....
omg.. if i knew i would have left dat guy sooner...

note to god: is dat y u keep making us fight so dat i'll dump his ass to show me he actually prefer 'those' kinda girls? damn man..! u should have just speak to me like u did with jesus or moses or whatever! u could have save 1 fucking year of my life dat was WASTED on him!

fyi: i din wan to slap her, i wanted to break her face n make it as ugly as her heart..
then maybe he wouldn't b so blind bt then again she already had him under his spell so no matter how i rearrange her face it wouldn't really matter..

have a great life together ^^

just go fuck yourself

2010-05-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

literally after i saw dat
all the memories we had
all the time i felt dat i maybe i was wrong to leave you
all JUST GOT FLUSHED down in the toilet!

yea i got angry wen i saw her
yea i got hurt dat u got hurt
yea i felt like bashing her face for making u look like dat
yea the only reason i din break off dat nose is coz my fren was there to stop me
yea i was tipsy so what i think wasnt straight
yea i know wat i tot wasnt of a girl who was already 21 years old
yea i walked away

but fucking shit!
din u learn anything from being with me????
did i go through all dat just so u could be blinded by something so fucking damn obvious??
fucking shit..!
just go and fuck her already!

its all gone..
its amazing how something dat was once something so important to you
something dat had a deeper meaning
something dat could make your heart break
could be something dat has no value anymore
yea dats who u are to me
you totally just degraded yourself in my eyes
why did u ever affect me dat way?
how could a person like u could make me so angry?
fuck this!

you're nothing already
n i'm throwing everything away..
everything dat makes me think of the little affection dat i may still have for you is going into the trash!

to reader: sorry i'm fucking angry n frustrated.. just wanna vent my feelings n i may not feel the same way tomorrow but seriously dat guy should just go fuck himself..!

tears in hell

2010-05-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

hmmm.. finally i understand why i am so sad...
i mean its not like i regret walking away from true love..
i know in my heart it is the right thing to do but then why is it i still feel like its not...
but i walked away anyways...
to prove myself right that he doesn't need me..
to prove to myself that i am not the one for him so walking away is the right thing to do..
yet there is a small hope in me telling me that i am wrong..
maybe we met too soon...
maybe eventually wen he grows up and taste the bitterness of life then only he can see the world through your eyes...

do you know how silly you sound???
prove yourself that maybe fate would be so kind to you...?
hah! what a joke!!
what have you done to deserve it??
your first love cheated on you..
you fall out of love with the one person who treated you rite
you don love any guy who is good for you
you break hearts just by looking at them
why the hell would you deserve something so pure?
fuck you bitch!!
just rot and die alone!!!

yea sure..
you proved me again and again that whatever i ever wanted comes with a price..
that eventually i couldn't afford anymore..

so?? what have you concluded from your 'right choice'?

his love for me was never that deep
i was just delusional....
if he truly loved me and if i were the one he wanted
he would love me for me..
he would love my flaws more than my qualities..
he wouldn't want me to change..
he would laugh it off and say deep in his heart 'yea, dats the girl i love.. stubborn, and sarcastic.. that's what make her her and mine'..

and then?
what happened instead??
hmmmmm?
tell me what happen and have always happened when you hope????

another girl came
put his broken heart together
all in a month
when i tried for a year to not break his heart

uh huh uh huh...
and then now.... why are you sad?
why don you tell me......... hmmm?

i'm sad coz after all the effort i put in..
another girl could just take him away...
just like dat...............

yea.. well dats YOUR life...
hahahhahahahhah! your life sucks doesn't it?
so then just dun love someone so much..
its hurtful..
you shouldn't care as much as u did.. (though he still thinks you don care)
n you should just break all the hearts in the world

lol...........
its me anyways...
not like i can show real emotion
though i feel it
doesnt mean i can say it out nor can i show it on my face
and when i try... he still doesnt feel it...

hahahah! well stop moping already!
you're getting on my nerves...
you're true to yourself and those whom you care for..
you're words are hurtful but they are true and you tell it like it is..
you're strong.. you're build this way...
some people just can't accept that they are contradicted and they will hate you for it
but some will love you for it, and they will stay with you forever..
and if anyone says otherwise just tell them to kiss their ass goodbye..
love yourself more..
loving someone else is just too hurtful..

yea i agree........

2010-05-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

i realised something..
it actually hurts like my first love...
such a remorseful nostalgic pain....
it's been years...
lets have a drink to that...
talk about how did you come back again..
how long are you gonna stay here..
will you ever come back again..
lets cheers to the pain that changed my life 6 years ago..
welcome back..

r we taken advantage?

2010-05-04T20:18:00.000-07:00

was just having a random conversation with my roomie bout love stuff then we hit a topic bout couples hooking up quickly after a break up... its like it seems like u tend to like someone else faster post break up than after breaking up longer than 2-3 months..

y it is so i asked her innocently...

n she was like 'yea! its like normal...'

ok sorry for sounding dumb considering my experience in this field... bt come to think bout it, its so freaking damn obvious and normal!!!

i mean now that i think bout it, in high school, my guy frens will always wait for the girl to get depressed or sad or down to make their move.. it is their strategy they say bt i never did understand y... damn am i dat thick??

maybe coz i'm too straight.. bt then its....physics!!
its like wen ur sad, depending on the person's way of handling it, u either wanna b alone or be with frens or b with da opposite sex...

lk for instance... wen ur feeling sad, u wanna tell someone ur feelings n u wan them to understand... at least make u feel like ur nt an alien to be feeling like this...
and who'd better if nt a person of the opposite sex...

like lets say ur a boy, ur in deep sad max moment coz u just argued with ur gf or break up, then there's someone there to tell u 'hey cheer up, maybe she's doing this coz of so n so, or maybe ur handling it wrong'
hmmm? wat? not convinced? how bout wen she says 'aww man she's a dick! i totally get wat ur feeling rite now.. she's so childish! she doesnt appreciate u, how could she do dat?? she sucks..... u deserve someone better... *like me*'
yea.... it all make sense now... ok once again sorry if i sound like a teenager who just hit puberty bt i DON GET MY GUYS THIS WAY! so wat the hell i know bout this strategy...

neways back to high school days, i had more guy frens so yea they'll always tell me 'hey i dat girl just broke up, i'm gonna make a move..' n i'll b like 'wtf? hey cmon, she just broke up, let her heart rest..' n he'll be like 'no! NOW! i cant waste time'...

though i dun get it, they say its a guys thing... yea rite.... i works both ways.. duh... bt of coz i was naive so i din care to think bout it more than tat (note: i am straight n stupid)

after the conversation with her, i actually realised y some guys like me... its all coz i implemented this strategy unwaringly.. ironic??

its like wen da guy is sad, most of my frens are guys so yea.. dat guy will come find me coz i dun sleep till day break back then.. they come take me out sit down at some isolated place, have a drink n just spill all their 'sim su'..

then as usual i'll used da 'hey dun b so sad.. can patch up one.. she just dun understand ma.. u try seeing from her side of view then tell her ur side la.. both understand then will work it out eventually.. dun sad d k?' ....ok i know maybe u think i'm trying to make myself sound so nice n innocent bt this the truth ok.. this is how i handle situations like this...all the time!
then the guy will sometimes say..'ok, i'll try, thks ya'..

or......this is where it all starts bt i din know better so i din notice, 'nah la she just dun get me, she's just so controlling n negative.. not like i cheat on her, yet she's always accusing me this and that.. y cant she be a little like u? at least u trust ur bf' .... (yea i trust my bf 100% dats y getting jealous is so stupid, he either wan u or he doesnt.. if he does then y scared n get all suspicious? if he doesn't then dun waste ur time n just dump him n find one who does)..

so anyways as usual i'll b defending the gf.. bla bla bla bla...

then after tat the relationship changes... its like suddenly he'll b so close to me... take me out all the time.. bla bla bla... which i din think was weird coz we were close bt nt this close la.. bt still...

then suddenly he confess... watfark?? he just broke up lik.. i dunno..... 2-3 weeks ago???
hmmmm..... if i reject him, he'll feel stupid n say dat i led him on.. bla bla bla? since wen i did???

swting la woi.. bt then only like 3 days ago i found out its...physics.... lol!!
dats y u have the rebound guy, frens with benefits and all dat jazz.. wen u are sad u wan drugs! haha!

so in dat case, r v taken advantage wen we r sad?
hmmm i think some guys did try this strategy on me b4 bt i know how to differentiate between a fren who cares and a prospective bf... like there is no freaking way in hell i will lik da guy DAT WAY just coz he was there to catch my tears n making a move rite after i got my heart broken.. omg r u for real??
if he thinks he can, then he's so delusional! no way i'm falling for such a trick.. if u really did WANT me to fall for dat trick then dats just too bad! hmm i did kinda screw a guy for dat, n he said 'i dun like u crying, it breaks my heart.. i wont make u cry k?'.... NO ITS NT OK! lolz.. i tot he's just being nice bt then was it actually part of his trick?? kinda makes everything a little more complicated...

bt the thing is.... it works almost 99% of the time!!!!!!!
if the girl is sad, guy fren moves in, he scores!!!
meaning: he's so taking advantage of the girl's weak momentarily lapse in judgement.. those bastards!

feeling of the century

2010-05-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

say we're heading for a heart, heart, heartbreak
and i don't ever want u to hear say
don say u love me, dun even
dun say u love me, ur leaving

headed for a heart heart heartbreak
i'm gonna, gonna turn around and walk away
dun say u love me, dun even!
dun say u love me, ur leaving!!!

fuck this feeling! i dun ever wanna put so much love and effort in a relationship de!
coz wen truth comes to show dat ur nt meant for him, its so hard to let go coz u love him too much!

bt if u hold on then u'll hurt him.. n then u'll hurt yourself for hurting him, then u try harder n it still doesnt change the fact ur not da right person for him coz deep down ur hurting him more than da right person ever could!

bt if u hold on then ur just bloody selfish! ur just a SELFISH BITCH!!!!

haihz.... if u love him, let him go rite? YEA RITE!
FUCK LOVE! easier said than done! though its da rite thing to do..........
arghhhh!!! JUST DUN BE A FUCKING SELFISH BITCH N FUCKING LET HIM GO!!!!!!

HEADING FOR A HEART HEART HEARTBREAK!!!!
lolz.. addicted to this song at this moment at this time at THIS FREAKING HOUR!
if only i have a bloody speaker n an electric guitar!!

2010-04-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

its only when u truly love someone that it'll hurt this bad when u know ur nt meant to be..

though i was the one who said it, it doesn't mean it din hurt...doesn't mean it din break my heart too..

is it coz i put too much of my heart into this relationship dat it hurts so much rite now?
its really weird, it din hurt so much b4.. i mean i had other relationships b4 bt it din hurt this much..

lolz.. love sucks.. did i make a mistake in giving him all i could give? lolz..

i just want it to be over.. its like putting salt on an open wound..
y cant i truly be happy for him and just feel lhappy too?

y cant i just let it go like how he has too...? am i being punished? if so then i guess its ok.. as long as he is happy..

as long as he is happy....... yea keep telling yourself dat........ till u can look at him with someone else without looking away n when u can b with a guy without still thinking bout him..............

as long as he is happy...

sunday

2010-04-25T03:20:00.000-07:00

i guess its over when your heart smiles and breaks at the same time wen you find out he has someone he likes already..

guess its time to move on huh..
its funny.. y is it wen i fall in love there's always a big huge price to pay for such fortune..? its ok if its affordable, or wen its only hurting you.. bt is it still worth the price when it hurts your lover too?

i am happy he moved on wen i cant bear seeing him fall apart in front of me.. especially since i'm the cause.. so y is it dat i feel like my heart got ripped out from my torso wen telling myself i'm happy for him?

finally i'm crying the last batch of tears for him.. gosh! been trying to cry them out since forever bt after hearing it, they flowed down like its so natural.. are these goodbye tears? telling me to move on too?

if it is then goodbye, i'm letting the part of heart that is still holding on to you cry itself to death.. haha... guess i wont think bout u anymore whenever i'm out with another guy.. i guess there isn't a point for me to think bout u anymore in the first place, no point for me to hold myself back anymore..

lol....... am i supposed to be happy when all that i ever wanted, it comes with a price..?
haha............ as long as he is happy....... dats all dat matters in the end anyway..........

be happy stan..=)
love her like how u loved me n i hope she loves u like how i couldn't love u b4..

dis diss disappointed

2010-04-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

sadness man..

haih.. i dunno hw to describe this feeling bt i feel like i just gt betrayed by my best fren..

its like i tot she would come to me before opening her mouth and blab bout something dat isnt even true..

haih... wat did i ever do to you?
when u were with him, i din say anything without coming to u first..
i din tell the whole world without u saying its ok to do so...
i always tot bout u first b4 anything else..
actually i wouldn't b angry if it were true..
coz it wasn't true n u din bother to ask and clarity the truth with me first dat i am feeling this way now..
all i can say is dat... haih.. u really broke my heart...
i really overestimated u...

28 march 2010

2010-03-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

i got drunk on this day....
why?
coz me n him wanted to get joyce drunk!

this is revenge for the last time she got us drunk..
ok nt drunk bt totally freaking high!!

cannot! must get joyce drunk!
she's going down!

lema..... i went down first
then it was up to him to finish the job..

gosh it was really scary..
getting drunk is really the worse thing to ever do in your life!

first: i black out
omfg! how da hell i just black out like dat???
amazing!

second: i wanted to puke...
shit shit shit!!!!! so sia sui! drunk de so troublesome..
then have to trouble ppl to get me to toilet to let me puke wo..

third: i cannot get up from toilet after puke
lema.. this the worse feeling ever!
i think i really tried my best to get up then fail like 3 times..
knock my head against the wall then like cry coz of frustration!!
martherfuker man....!! SIA SUI MAX!!

fourth: i dunno n dun remember the 'in between' scenes
i dun freaking remember anything at all..
like blank!!

fifth: if da person who took care of u like refuses to totally tell you everything dat happened then ur fucked forever!
i really try my hardest to think wat happen n how i got out from the toilet bt ntg at all..
its like i magically came out from the toilet n onto a bed..
i dun care hw he got me out from the toilet..
carry me, throw me across his shoulders, or drag me across the floor.. just tell me!!
i wont get mad if he dragged me across the floor..
bt then i din clarify so clearly coz i already damn freaking paiseh d..

sixth: the only lucky thing is dat i got drunk at a fren's house n nt in a club or pub or whatever outside place..
like thk god!! abo super sia sui!!!!! eventhough already super sia sui d!

seventh: dun try to get joyce drunk... she cheats!
i have to train................................................................................................
she'll go down eventually............................................................................

eight: ah another lucky.. da fren who took care of me was a trusted fren....
thank you very much......!
without u..... i probably still in the toilet... LOL!

ninth: no more next time..
once is enough to last me a lifetime...

2010-03-21T03:48:00.000-07:00

seems like i'm getting numb...

my body is getting weird..
after my dad died, it became really hard for me to cry..
these days something so simple can make me cry..
sad tears, angry tears.. especially angry tears..
i'm nt usually the type who loses herself and gets angry..
because anger and intolerance are the enermies of correct understanding..
so i dun like to think too much or overeact..
bt then recently i tend to lose it alot faster..
i think its coz of him..
he thinks too much and overeact..
n he thinks its ok to get too angry or jealous..
which i think it is so not good to generate such negative emotions..
i dun wan to look like the jealous japanese woman and lost myself to the emotion..
i rather defeat it with rational thinking and trust..
back to now..
at least i know i am not made of stone anymore..
though i can cry easily
seems like my heart dun ache so much as it breaks apart
must be due to the crying..
bt then now i no longer have anymore tears nor the energy to cry for him
i'm so so tired....
the fights and misunderstandings we had
its only him i go through this..
its like having a bf for the first time
n everything seems to be new..
new kinds of fight
new way of speaking
new way of dressing
new way this that......
seriously i think its normal to fight over things lk da guy plays too much games
bt never tot that a fight can occur coz of his lack of skills in english
still he refuses to improve by reading more
therefore i need to degrade myself to his standards...
still fight anyway..
is my english tat good or is his interpreting skills too great
he never really listen to wat i'm tryin to tell him
more like he tries to find the hidden msg in wat i'm trying to tell him
since i'm straightforward, hidden msg does not exist in my world
bt since he insists on being dat way
he'll pick on small things which have ntg to do with the original msg at all
then fight...
fight fight fight..
fight for one year
tolerate for one year
and for wat?
more fighting n misunderstanding
am i trying too hard?
is dat y i fail?
coz i tried too hard?
till he thinks i shud try harder..
i can't breathe anymore..
n he still wans more......
more more more more more more more more.....
haihz....
goodbye...
i will be leaving everything behind now..
buried deep deep in the back of my memories..

8th March 2010

2010-03-07T09:55:00.000-08:00

i dono hw to express these feelings but its too much till i have to write them down..

i've been trying for too long to chase after a shadow of the perfect girlfriend to him in this one year..

chasing for so long till i'm convinced i can never catch up to it..

i can't give him the happiness he wants that would make him happy and finally stop us from arguing all the time because of my opinions and the wide difference of what he expects of me..

trying to change your entirely self is something not easy afterall though its something you must do in order to salvage this relationship..

the question of why am i not enough is always asked to myself? why is it that he loved me in the first place? if i am who he loved so dearly before then y is it that in the end he is not satisfied?

is this why people say there is no such thing as true love since people tend to change in the end?

just like me being enough at first is finally not enough..

though he does put up with me, he expects more from me.. and sometimes more it is just too much to expect from a person already putting her whole heart in it..

'he doesn't feel me, he doesn't feel my heart' was all i could say from our arguements..

he doesn't trust me as i have gone through a life filled with bottomless pits and darkness as opposed to his world of purity and innocence..

tried as i have had to preserve this relationship that i came to cherish for the love he gave me was pure, it came to a stop when his disappointments in me did not..

i am not the one for him.. and this breaks my heart more than he knows..

therefore, i made the choice best for both of us.. to separate.. and maybe to reconcile again after he had seen my point of view in life..

my eyes are getting drier day by day..

me saying first doesn't mean none of us wanted to say it first but only coz i have reached my limit in trying to fool myself that i am the one for him as i have been holding on by telling myself he is the best for me..

sorry i couldn't make you happy..

but maybe in this point of our lives we are just not meant for each other..

volcano eruption in my mind

2010-03-02T10:32:00.000-08:00

what's wrong wit me...?
in this life am i destined to be alone?
what's wrong wit me?
why can't i just be who the person i love wants me to be?
then again, why does he wan me to change?
does this means dat he loves me for me?
when ppl say love the person who loves you
does it also include loving the person who loves you for you?
or just dun love someone who doesn't love you
bt what if the things he wans you 2 change are things that you should change
then again what if those things are what makes you you
what if actually he's the only one having this problem
and everyone else thinks its ok and doesn't need you to change to please them
what if he's the one who cant accept or handle who you really are
and all your other frens could?
does it still means you should change?
bt what if its all bullshit to you?
and you get the whole personality conflict happening for you
then wat?
you be yourself in front of ppl who likes you for you
and you be somebody else in front of him?
wouldn't that be worse?
coz you know through exp tat both of you will end up fighting if you dun
bt then again you still wanna salvage this relationship
so u be wat he wans you to be
bt for hw long can you keep this up?
can your psychological power take this long term?
wat if you need to take a break?
then wat if the way to do it might nt be acceptable to him?
will u still suck it up?
n wait for the volcano eruption in ur mind?
what if it confuses you so much till you cry easily all the time coz of the emotional stress?
what if it's making u fall apart?
is it worth it?
dat you're losing yourself?
what if he's the best thing dat ever happened to you
then is it still worth going through all this for him?
when you know you'll fall apart eventually
would you still fight for him?
fight youself for him

does dat mean you should still change?

wedding dress

2010-02-24T06:02:00.000-08:00

just heard da song 'wedding dress' by tae yang..

it's a nice song bout unrequited love..
so nice and emo..
talking bout his love for her..
how much he longed for her to love him just as he loves her..
till she got married tat is...

i started to really like da song as i read da lyrics cause there's just so much pain and love in it.. written so personally dat u can actually feel it..

however, there's just one problem...
da girl is ur friend's gf/wife-to-be
wadda??? like hello!!!
u dun crush on ur friends' lover!
u dun wish for them to break up
u dun wish for her to leave his side
n certainly u dun freaking cruse them to be unhappy!

ish!!! nice song cept you're the third person..
n dun wanna confess cause ur afraid?
honestly if she liked you as a friend, she wouldn't avoid u cause u love her..
then regret pulak
cei! pui!

cny cny cny cny

2010-02-23T09:57:00.000-08:00

cny cny cny cny cny cny

cny ... is over......! sad max =(

hmm wat did i do recently....?

1. went back early to the island, kononnya wanna bake pineapple but postponed to later after cny..

2. ah did some levi shopping.. curve baby! woooooot! got discount some more! double woooooottt!!

3. hmmm.. bought a new friend for kuru (stuffed weird creature with rabbit ears), totoro! extremely like extremely cute!!!

4. met up with old friends such as ee ling, bubu, ivan, fu seng, darron, hui sien, hui ling, tze wei, cs, and gavin...... hmm hmm .. did i leave anyone out? hmmm....

5. celebrated late valentine with stanley at chilies.. the food there are like getting bad... meat is too dry, then sauce kao kao jelat! TGI IS SO MUCH BETTER! F**K YOU CHILLIES!

6. ahhh.. celebrated cny at coptorne orchid(dunno if i spelt it correctly bo) instead of the tradisional steamboat... but entertainment not 'dat bad'.. some of the acts are like wild crazy! with people flying here n there..lol?

7. one dinner not enuf so 1st day bbq at big bro's house.. lamb superb!

8. gamble gamble gamble gamble gamble

9. received ang pao.. hmm this year ang pao down... not as much as last year.... hmmm... ah well..

10. got myself some new contacts : brown n grey coloured contacts and lotsa other samples like oaysis, air optics, etc... oaysis like supposed to be the super duper ex brand of contact lens that when u wear it time like din wear till you forget to take off.. but din take off also tak ape for 2 weeks! ..but not recommended la... (the contacts expire in 2 weeks nia, sample or original, same)

11. first time seeing someone couldn't find a big enuf angpao to put money in but then again how do you expect to fit in RM 8,000 (all RM 50 notes) into one angpau?

12. wanted to go Mois on Wed but to my disappointment couldn't go in coz too full... so went in fame instead.. ahh the music there still sucks and down if you're still sober.. so ma drink lo.. drink till high then the music will suddenly be just only 2 levels below Mois or else no need to dance at all..

13. kate got totally drunk... again..... haih..

14. got my first ever ck sunglasses from grandpa..! woooooooooooot!! alright!!! random!!

15. fought wit stanley coz of club...... again......... haih........

16. made up next day... i love my i-forget-what-happened-and-why-i-was-angry-yesterday syndrome.. just LOVE IT! however i can still hold a grudge...which is the weird part.... hmmm.. maybe only to certain bitches n bastards who never learnt to stop stepping on my tail...

17. when back shit hole...

18. surprised shit hole not as shitty as i tot this time cause it's much more cooler than island... thank god for shit hole..

good luck in your exam dear..

~end~

just us

2010-01-26T09:09:00.001-08:00

suddenly i feel like just going on a trip..

a trip with all my best friends, june, wendy, joyce, kate, and pinky..

you girls were there for me, stood by me, advised me, guided me and scolded me through all and all..

though i'm da type who doesn't know how to express my emotions or graditute, however you girls knew me better than i knew myself..

for putting effort to understand me, you girls make me feel so blessed to have all of you in my life cause i'm not exactly the simplest person to figure out..

for being straightforward with me, for scolding me if i ever was a bitch, for telling me if what i did was wrong, for pointing out all my unethical behaviors, for not backstabbing me, for being true to me, i thank you for only a true friend would care to point out all my flaws to my face..

for all that you girls have done, i don't know how many lives more i have to spend paying but i would pay for it in full with interest.. i love you girls from the bottom of my heart..

let us all go on a trip together...

a trip to the end of the world..

to a coast where the sky is always blue, and the sea stretched as far as our eyes can see..

where we'll sip cocktails, wear bikinis and eat only what gods eat..

let us disappear for a week from the world to a place only for us..

just us

n there goes another year

2010-01-17T04:08:00.000-08:00

hmm.. wat can i say bout year 2009?

well.. all i could say is that.. it's nt the best year i ever had but then again it's also a promise to another better year.. afterall that's wat yin n yang is all about..

this year.. instead of the usual routine of changing bf n the occasional flirting on a girls' nite out.. i actually survived it wit the same guy n zero flirting.. lol ..

then i got to know new friends n new neighbours such as elean, jess n tzy meng.. they are definitely better friends than some that i knew b4.. i guess u can say they are friendlier n much more real..

my hair grew longer, got it straightened, and dyed it.. new look for the new year..

hmmm.. disputes, complications, and misunderstandings still occurs.. just a little more than previous years before..

but then again.. some things still remainded the same..

for instance,
i still hate n totally avoid 'politics'..
i'm still straightforward n outspoken
i'm not thick skinned
my favour of shopping still haven't increased
i still dun like im
still the slumber loving person
still in love with chuck bass
still with the same guy
n still in a non-lesbian relationship with my roomie..^^

so now it's 2010....

i wonder if it'll still be the same...

cept for the fact i'll be graduating this year n working right after (that is if everything flows smoothly)...

2009 was a sucky year.. not coz ntg great happened to me.. not coz i'm no longer 21..
but only coz bad occurances seem to outlast the good ones...

hopefully this year would be alot better..

13 dec 2009

2009-12-15T04:42:00.000-08:00

there comes a time when you feel like your holding on to something,

so tightly
so desperately
till your hands bleed a crimson red
you refuse to let go

do you know?
do you see?
what's at the end of your fingertips

can you tell?
can you see?
that it was bleeding as well

can you feel?
can you touch?
that intensive pain surpassing everything else

all these years...
if it hurts, my right palm hurts
i thought the reason why it didn't hurt in my chest
was cause the pain was too great
till i couldn't feel it anymore
just like slicing your skin with a hot blade
you can never feel it dancing through your flesh

on december the 13th
i realise that all these years
i was wrong about that pain

just like when your heart breaks
when your sanity is smashed to your head
what do you really see?

' yea, i don't believe you '
those words stung me undescribably
those eyes piercing my soul
all i heard was the breaking of a string
old, tired, weary from trying to hold it all together
what did it really mean?

disappointment?
disbelieve?
discontent?

what?

then you feel a pull in your hands
what is it trying to free itself from your grip?

it's crying
it's screaming
it's bleeding

what?

why....?
are you still holding on to it?

when you know..
it was a part of you that is the most vulnerable

why would you still hold on to it?
when it would make you feel better if you just let it go

i thought it was me trying to hold on to him...
i thought it was me holding on to the very last shread of hope
just something that would still hold me together
no matter how desperate it wants to abandon me
i thought.... wrong...

it was my heart..
crying
bleeding
pleading

i was holding on it
i still wanted it in my grasp
i still wanted it in my reach
i didn't want to lose my last reason for not giving up

and then it slipped
just when i held on to it too tightly
it slipped through my fingers

leaving me behind on my own
leaving me numb
leaving me with absolutely nothing at all
a shell with no more emotions to be called human

is this why i can no longer be with the one who caused my heart to run?

that i still don't know..

all i know now,
is that i no longer have the strength to cry anymore..
for emotions that i no longer have nor am i capable of..

shun oguri

2009-12-04T02:40:00.000-08:00

last nite.... i dreamt about shun oguri....

LOL

dat is the most random thing ever!!

n he is the first celeb i have ever dreamt about.......... like ever!

another random thing... in the dream i was actually crushing on matsumoto jun...!

but then i think shun likes me or something or maybe he's like my big brother cause he's like always wit me like in the whole dream...

but then i was ranting to him bout how dat jun fellow doesn't even talk to me n shit...

LOL but then if shun really did like me while i was crushing and ranting on his friend, then i must really really sound like an idiot!

LOL la!! random!!

SHUN OGURI! dun worry! you look really really handsome in my dream! hahah!

RANDOM!!!

he's da man! woooo....

u.t.a.r is my choice?

2009-12-01T08:25:00.000-08:00

its official... utar is definitely out to get me...

da last time i went to the office to check the bar list personally, the fucking stupid office guy told me he'll call me... eventhough i told him like a gazillion times dat my hp is nt working, dats y i came personally to ask..... then he says, 'no no.. we will call you if u kena bar, for sure'.

for sure lo.. kanasai.. my hp already not working de then he say they'll call me.. for sure somemore!

you say swt bo?

in conclusion, he's either fucking deaf or fucking stupid.. or just plain bloody fucking stupid and deaf!

then now...

i kena bar like for real..... why? because of the fucking utar staff and fucking stupid utar system that seems to be useless everyday! so in fact i din kena bt then kena juga..

i ask my tutor how come like dat? 'ooo.. coz the utar system is currently not working...'

then i ask stupid office ppl... 'oooo... its nt the system, its the lecturer's and tutor's fault'

zzzzz..... just take the fucking stupid blame la if it's really your fault!

UTAR! CAN U BE ANY MORE STUPID-ER THAN YOU ALREADY ARE??

did i like 'tek cui' you before???????

since u have so many students, u cannot take the extra cash u make from us and improve your stupid fucking system that always seems to be the fucking problem?

where is all the fucking money going???? kopitiam? mistress? gigolo? arab wife??

my hp spoil also you claim you can call in!

now, i din kena bar also wanna bar me!

then all also... 'erm, this ar that ar.... not my fault ar... my cibai fucking icthy ar....'

seriously!! HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN YOU BE???

elean

2009-11-18T10:23:00.000-08:00

dear elean....

i'm gonna kill u........................................................................................................................................
i bet u dunno how it feels to drown......................................................................................................

i'm gonna kill u....................................................................

cause u kill my precious pendrive............................................................................

unless u find and buy for me another limited edition red and gold year of the mouse pendrive that my mom gave me.......................................................................................................................................

finance management hag

2009-11-16T06:02:00.000-08:00

ahem.....

YOU STUPID BLOODY BLIND WOMAN! CURSE YOUR CIBAI ITCHY TILL THE DAY YOU DIE!!!

NOT ONLY UTAR DAMN BLOODY STUPID TO BEGIN WIT, THE PAYMENT COME OUT LATE THEN GIVE PPL SHOCK COZ TWO DAYS AFTER IT CAME OUT IS THE DEAD LINE LIAU.. THEN CHANGE AGAIN! MA KIANG EH! MUST MAKE PPL CALL U KANASAI ONLY SATISFY IS IT???

THEN CAUSE I CANT GET BANKDRAFT N I DUN HAVE PUBLIC BANK AGAIN I MA PAY THROUGH MAYBANK LO (bro's account)... i din know cant pay like dat bt even so i show the BLOODY BLIND HAG the receipt... THE BLOODY WORD 'MAYBANK' SO DAMN BIG ALSO CANNOT SEE! SOMEMORE YOU READ LIKE SO THOROUGHLY THEN SOMEMORE SAY IT'S OK BUT JUST DAT UTAR SYSTEM DOWN THEN CANT CHECK FOR ME.. OK NVM.. SHE DIN SAY CANT DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE.. I GIVE HER THE RECEIPT LIKE 5 DAYS B4 DEADLINE..

then now my bro say BLOODY UTAR din receive.. SO I GO ASK DAT STUPID BLOODY BLIND HAG AGAIN.. THEN SHE SAY HER CIBAI ITCHY THEN MAKE HER BLIND DAT DAY (my summary after all her list of unexpectations and bullshits and insignificant excuses she threw at me)... MALEH! THE BLOODY MAYBANK WORD ON TOP AND SO BLOODY DAMN BIG THAT EVEN FISH CAN SEE! THEN THIS HUMAN WEAR SPECS ACTUALLY BLIND ONE TELL ME errr... actually we dun expect our students to pay from other bank etc... SHIT LA! GO TO HELL LA! CIBAI ITCHY LA!!

IF REALLY CANNOT THEN COULD HAVE TOLD ME LIKE B4??? FOR INSTANCE THE FIRST TIME I SHOWED IT TO YOU??? LIKE HELLO??????????????? OR IS IT YOUR CIBAI ITCHY TILL YOU BECOME BLIND AND STUPID AT THE SAME TIME???

sad love stories

2009-10-26T02:37:00.000-07:00

kay before i start on this post, i wanna say dat i'm a bookworm and i could spend all day, n i literally mean all day reading novels..with the option of eating and going to the toilet being secondary.. but till now i dun really own many love novels nor do i really show any interest in it at all..

the first love novel i own was Memoirs of a Geisha. the bitterness of being a geisha in their everyday life was a wonderful insight to the fact that geishas are not allowed to have feelings.. at least not to one particular man.. but in the Sayuri, the herione in the story, did end up with the man she loved, after much hardship and heartache.

my favourite love novel was Pride and Prejudice. it was by far the best, the most clever, and had the most charisma written in a story of love, rejection and hate. i felt it was downright funny and intriguing how the two lead characters fought, argued; for her sister and his best friend, and finally ended up falling so much in love that it's ridiculous! i mean anyone could have guessed the end.. but if you were reading and even if you were the most ironic person who has ever lived, you would still want Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy to end up together at the end. it seems like the story, just like Romeo and Juliet, was also a fantasy to all.. that all of us, deep in our hearts, actually wanted to find a Mr. Darcy, the man who despite his ego, falsity, charisma for the higher rank, to sum it up, the arrogant, piece of shit knight on a silver white horse, would be willing to stoop and knell, just as how he did to Elizabeth, in front of you and devote his entire life to you, with his heart on his palm for you.

another love novel i read was A Walk to Remember. as usual, it was funny, painful, and almost boring then suddenly she died! i was like What The Fuck for one hour! ok.. before i go on.. i have to say, it was before korean love dramas became popularised on the whole, one-lead-character-must-die-then-only-end concept/impact. it came out wen i was 15 years and i was only 13 or 14 when i read the book so it was a big surprise. but yea.. i guess she dies, and that left a hole in his heart.. bla bla bla.. the end.. but the way the writer wrote it, it was like i could feel how he felt, the loss he felt, how the hole in his heart would never ever heal even when he's 55 years old. aiya.. till the day he die la.. ish.. but there was alot of christianity in it, so i think it kinda made me lose interest and bored me.. till the death part.. haha.. then i was plenty awake to cont reading..

finally i read.... argh i cant believe i'm gonna say it... the vampire saga,...... argh!! Twilight la!! ok.. sorry for sounding like dat, just dat anyone who knew me well would probably screw their eyebrows in disbelieve if they knew i was reading this lovey-dovey vampire story.. haha! i have to say, the book was really not as bad as it looked.. it was a mix of reality with a taste of legendary creatures such as werewolves and vampires.. even so.. the story is only centered on the love between Bella and Edward, there was hardly any action in it, cept for the last 200 pages (300 pages before is love stuff that made me frustrated and read faster so to get to the action or important parts). but i have to say... like seriously.... the first book, Twilight sucks to the max!.. the writing style sucks, the way she wrote the conversations between Bella and Edward made Edward looked and sounded like the most depressing vampire, who suffered from a case of change-expression-from-severely-depressed-to-severely-angry-to-severely-depressed-to-severely-happy and the circle goes on and on in one single paragraph made of 5 lines of conversation with Bella.. this Bella pulak le.. suffered from liking to play the, I-have-to-look-at-the-multiple-and-colourful-expression-carefully-and-in-detail-to-see-what-ticks-the-vampire-off game syndrom. seriously, if she was the ever so calm and whatever character she was supposed to be, she wouldn't act the way she acted around Edward. it should be like she was just chilling, hanigng out with her boyfriend even if he was a vampire. but...! but.... the rest of the other books such as New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn were ok.. getting better in fact... just the first book sucks and story line boring...

hmmm.. all and all.. British books are better.. not meaning the stories, just the style of writing..

but what i like about these books are that, all love stories has a side effect or a down side, where one of the characters will get hurt and get nothing in the end.. even if they played an important role in the story, they are still casted to the side.. it makes the story kinda real in its own context.. just like Paris in Romeo and Juliet..

for instance, in Memoirs of a Geisha, Nobu was casted aside by Sayuri, even though, if it werent for him, she would be dead in the war, she would go hungry, she would just be a nobody. it was his affections and love for her, that held her through her bitter days, the person who brought her back to life and it was also him that she chosed to hurt by commiting adultry with another random man in order to break his heart.

then, in Pride and Prejudice, it was cause of the misunderstandings of Mr. Darcy that drove away Elizabeth. see.. jane, Elizabeth's sister loves Darcy's best friend, and he loves her too.. but cause Jane's family like not suitable, then he convinced him to let go.. and he let go he did.. so she was pissed, he was pissed, all pissed and misunderstood.. wat i'm trying to say is dat, Darcy's character was the strong type, he was rich, powerful, and all that, but he was willing to do all he could so dat Elizabeth would forgive him. not only did she forgave him, she was totally wrong about him, and soon she saw him differently.. the side effect, was the insecure feeling that occur when you realised you actually love the person and now you dun know how to face him after all that happened, and you dun know how to apologise and walk away.. because you realise you love him too much to just walk away..

then in the vampire saga, i could actually feel what Jacob felt when Bella rejected him. i mean he was there for her and all that shit, then when her vampire came back, she cabut.. haha! well, it ended up quite ok in the end with his being 'imprinted' to a new born baby.. swt.. it sounds weirder than i tot it would be.. haha.. but before what weird thing i said, i could feel the betrayal, the pain he must have felt to be rejected again and again eventhough the girl clearly used him and actually is in love with him.. haha.. obviously a children's book.. and can be quite misleading eh.. cause for one: there would never be a 'guy' like Edward, only guys like jacob who makes you laugh, protects you, warms you up on cold days and tries to be the best man he could to complete your life (ok.. maybe guys like him are rare as well, but we all know he's out there) so it's kinda.. ok.. really hurting when i read that this 'kind of' guy was in constant pain and despair, inflicted by one such as Bella.. he deserves so much better from her, yet this was all he got.. despair and pain right in the middle of where it hurts the most..

quick and fast updates

2009-10-21T04:45:00.000-07:00

well my bro got married on the 26th of September while i still had my exams, so since it was a family thingy i had no choice but to attend.. with air tickets and taxi paid for.. why the hell not??

my outfit for the afternoon reception.. ok.. i know it looks nothing like me.. haha.. i got responses like fairy, goldfish, and cake.. haha! all and all i did attract attention (good or bad, its still attention so just fuck off!:p) than the million of people who were there and none looked the any other than normal.. haha! *covering up for being the fairy goldfish cake of the moment*

after the afternoon reception, went for a quick bath then its off to the bridal house for hair and make up! look so damn freaking diff after make up! could make an ugly bitch look like an angel! that's my mom beside me, complaining that my make up is better than hers... haha..! blek! take that mom!

me,in a black satin toga dress, and stanley, in his black formal wear for the night.

so bla bla bla.. at my bro's wedding, it was a blast! it wasn't like the usual weddings where the people just 'cia' some flashy chinese singing doll wannabe to entertain the guest like in those opera where the ghost gates open.. it was better... way way way better! not coz it was my brother but the guest were lively! they were 'steady' and 'can swim' one! partcipated whenever they could..!

me and my cousin, Alex

the band had a great time entertaining us too, what with our great sense of humour and fun, everyone was laughing smilling and eating!! haha!

but the best part was when the groom walked the bride into the room for the first time in her white wedding gown.. my bro, being the great legendary romantic ass he once were in his notorious days, serenaded his wife down the aisle.. it was the most romantic act ever! putting all his heart into the melodic words 'you look wonderful tonight' was heartfelt and i'm sure everyone in the room felt his sincerity..

'la la la.. and then she asked me... do i look alright... and i said yes... you look wonderful tonight...'

oops i'm so into the moment.. haha.. at the end.. the band thanked us for employing them coz they had such a good time.. we all danced at the dance floor, me and stanley especially.. we usually dun dance to old slow songs cept to like clubbing song!! ppl are still talking bout the great time they had my bro's wedding till now and they all asked the same thing to me 'so when are you gonna get married?'. Seriously it's annoying after being asked more than 5 times.

after the wedding, got back to the shit hole by airplane and taxi then back to the bloody damn exams again!!

then after my exams it was back to the food paradise island with me.. thank god!! it was all b irthdays, playing counter strike, and eat eat and eat!! not much to update and nothing interesting happened this sem break cept for the sweetest anniversary ever that i had with stanley...!

he cooked me a westerned style dinner with the best mushroom sauce(more mushrooms as i like it), and teriyaki cod fish! finished with cake that he mixed for me..! yummy! btw, my mom loves it! i'm afraid she might love him more than i do.. the tot is kinda scary! lol

say hi to my siamese fighter! Ferrari^^

and finally after years and years of thinking of rearing a fighting fish, i finally did it!! i bought the most beautiful and elegant red siamese fighter i have ever seen! forget bout other fish that was worth like 25 bucks and more! mine was only 3 bucks and has the value of a million gazillion bucks in the most freaking currency on earth!! he has my shade of red that radiates royalty and crown fins that were just so perfect when they flare in anger! besides that, the body is the same perfect shade of red with purple streaks outlining the scales if you look really close!

if u ever up for a fight i'll feel sorry for your fish cause my fish reacts to a freaking plastic spoon, than the usual only reaction to either it's own reflection or other fish that is of the same species! so just imagine the real thing right in front of it.. if he sees something foreign, he'll just go for the kill, no observation or questions asked! even if its just a plastic spoon..

trying to look like Ju-on or something like dat

last but not least, i straighten my sarang burung of a hair finally with the financial support from my mom!! wahhahah!

bloodshot eyes

2009-09-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

the path lay before me
silent and still
reflecting a tinge of remorse
icy and frozen the air was
i sighed a warm breathe
the moon emitted an eerie glow
the trees laughed at my shaking legs
even the wolf's howl was filled with sorrow
i tripped many times on this path
tricked by honest fairies
betrayed by fair elfs
rain is nothing but a plague
bringing pain and death as it came
even the sun plays trick
giving hope and taking it away again
my heart was slowly disappearing
stabbed by sirens singing their songs
drowned by mermaids as they came along
it was turning to stone to the poison of my soul
the glint in my eyes disappeared
alas i was a hollow being
walking on this path to filled with all kinds of sadness
tainting it with tears of blood
cut away my hands
for i do not want to reach out to hope any longer
take away my eyes
for i do not want to see the ugliness that is me
take away my heart
for i do not wish to feel
what was there was only a creature's meal
it is from this path
that i learn that despair is truly the saddest word
and that my soul lives in the saddest world

after exam activities

2009-09-17T21:30:00.001-07:00

first test paper

subject: MCI
time: 9 am

after exam eat lunch then straight go back sleep

time

2pm
activity : sleep

4 pm
activity : sleep

8 pm
activity : sleep

2 am
activity : sleep

3.30 am
activity : wake up

bathe then wash this wash that.. ate cereal.. bla bla bla...
pinky wakes up..
we go drink smoothie then went to market buy this buy that then come home..

time : 9 am
activity: nothing to do..

ok we go watch guaitan..

time : 10 am
activity : take bus go Jusco

bought tickets for guaitan, where got ghost?, and the ugly truth.. pinky is wearing the shirt just for the occation..:P

as u can see.. the bloody place is totally deserted.. dat is pinky buying mineral water..!

time : 11. 30 am
activity : watch guaitan, hug each other, hide behind jacket, scared but still wannna watch... the scariest part is dat they are really nt trying to scare us.. its already originally scary!

time : 1 pm
activity : checking some books in popular bookstore.. trying to find our facial features in a book.. who knew there were over 50 diff facial features??!

went jusco and bought yakitori for myself and quater chicken for pinky.. she plans to eat it in the cinema eh..! lol!! it's so damn delicious!!

time: 1. 45 pm
activity : watch where got ghost? wtf.. this one pulak not scary.. in fact funny as hell but still scare the shit out of us! stupid sound effects!! curses!

time: 3 something something
activity : lunch at johnny's.. pinky din really enjoy her food though but the tomyam was gooooood.. =)

time : 5.20 pm
activity : watch the ugly truth.. finally a feel good movie.. ;)
but ceh... totally predictable.. let me save u 7 bucks and 1. 5 hours.. boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy kinda likes girl but girl dun like boy, girl meet another boy, first boy teach her how to pikat him, then first boy really really like girl de, then girl realises she dun like latter boy but then like first boy, first boy heartbroken cause kena rejected by girl earlier on then run away, girl gets sad after knowing first boy run away, both ter-meet at one place (duh!), then both argue, then both kiss.. the end..

both of us bought yogurt ice cream ( heaven! )
it was raining so after we enjoyed our yogurt only we cabut!
reached home at 9 something something
yet another day..;)

celebrity crushes

2009-09-14T15:07:00.000-07:00

hmm.. was having this sudden random conversation with jessica and got thinking..

so i decided to blog about it since i have ntg better to do...;p

ceh ceh ceh pinky expect it to be like super long so i'm gonna prove her wrong!!

my crushes are not people i admire k!! they are people whom i really have like total interest in last time which i'm kinda embarrassed to say... zzz...

anyways here goes...

1) first crush was james bourne from the band Busted.. omg its amazing i actually i remembered his name!! lol! i was only 13 then..:)

this is he...:)

and this is his band.. actually originally i liked dat guy on the left, for like one day, but then my fren told me he looked like my first ex who was a total jerk then i totally hated him after that, and then i changed my interest to the middle one which is james, whom another fren told me he look like my that time punya current bf.. zzzz... totally swt...! moving on!!

2) jeremy sumpter from the movie peterpan

haha!! cute rite!! dun make fun of me.. i was 15 that time n he's 14.. bt so wat?? he's a total hottie now!! check him out below!!

haha! see..!! look at that hottie!! LOOK!! blek...;p

5) Johnny whitworth which i'm sure none of you know who the hell is he!!

he's da guy in the checkered shirt.. sorry couldn't find a decent picture of him.. he has really attractive eyes and a nice face structure.. if u notice he's acting with both young renee zellweger and liv tyler!! anyhow, i was totally into his character! the unique misunderstood artist.. ooo ooo..

4) heath ledger babe!!

wheeee....... he's so so hot! bt argh...! he passed.. damn!! why him??!

hehe.. he's so cute n effing hot in this movie... :)

5) the one and only Josh Hartnett!!

hehehe!!! ooo when i think of him i totally blush!! omg.. he's so charming!@
fell for him in pearl harbour!! why did he have to die??!! argh! terlalu hero de la!!!

6) chad michael murray from the never ending one tree hill

*drools*

six abs, charming smile, almost perfect hair, broad shoulders, great style, big arms, athletic build.. who in their right mind wont kena his aura???!!@

7) murdering Sanzo!

haha! dun laugh at me la... though an anime character, he's really cool eh!! n believe it or not.. he's a monk who smokes and carries a gun!! which monk does dat man????!

sanzo of journey to the west! i salute you!

8) pretty pretty pretty boy orlando bloom

whoever who never watched him in Lord Of The Rings wouldn't know what i mean when i say he is one extremely hot elf!

9) screaming Jared leto

damn! he is such a babe!

he can act, sing and scream..! n most of all.. he's the hottest emo guy i have ever seen! jared leto from 30 seconds to mars who makes eyeliner work on men.. or maybe the only man who looks great in eye liner...:)

10) ikuta toma the goofy one!!

he's a great actor for all types of characters.. seen lots and lots of sides of him in different movies and japanese dramas..! in fact it was him who made me happy in times when i was stressed out studying..

11) the tough matsumoto jun

ok .. this one is when he was still young.. lazy to find pics of him de from the time he is now.. so i just upload the one and only picture i have of him.. teeheee...:)

he caught my eye in hana yori dango, japanese drama, and kimi wa petto, another japanese drama.. two different roles played beautifully by him.. in kimi wa petto, this bloody idiot can really dance!! drool much??@@!

12) scandoulous ed weswick!!!

i think he's da only one capable of making the sleepy look look so damn sexy..

planning and plotting scandals in pink.. and gets away wit it? why?
cause he is chuck bass...

ok dats all... a lifetime of crushes ends with ed westwick... hehe.. maybe more to come... blek..

its nt dat long rite pinky?? its just the pictures that make it look long.... hehe =)

kitten mittens, cats mads

2009-09-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

recently found out i am officially allergic to cats!!

though like i was wat-the-fuck??! better than being allergic to dogs though..

i think i'd cry if dat were to ever ever ever happen to me?!?! *there goes my dream of raring a pair of Doberman pinscher!!* NNNOOOOOOOO!!!

buh bye cats...! u can come near me bt dun u dare touch me....!

bt i think i'm only allergic to dirty cats since i practically molested Kate's(my best fren) cat and no allergy effects at all..

aaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww................................. cute rite????

*slowly approaches me*

ARGH!! STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!

haihz.......

2009-09-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

swt la u!!

u take for us then u take it back with you ?? wtf?

it's like ur trying to screw wit us..

i know wat will b ur excuse n seriously being rite all the time about u is just so so so so tiring..

bitter sweet ending

2009-09-08T02:15:00.000-07:00

Takemoru leaves for hokkaido (or something... lol) by train.

at the train station Hagu came rushing to see him off and to give him something wrapped in cloth.

they met at the door of the train, she gave it to him

the conductor blew the whistle and they hugged for the last time before the door closed between them..

she chased after the train till she could chase no more and could no longer see him.

in the train, he opened the cloth to reveal a stack of bread..

laughing, he flipped open the first piece and starred at it..

on each and every slice of bread was honey and a four leaf cover in the middle..

takemaru: these... all these...?

*hagu: please.. please let there be as much happiness as possible for you..*

takemaru thought silently..

*hagu.. i'd been thinking.. i'd been wondering all this time.. *

takes a big bite of half the stack of the sandwiches..

*...whether there's any meaning to a failed love.. Is something that will disappear the same as something that never existed?*

*now i know.. there is a meaning.. *

the image of hagu waving frantically at the train station played in his mind

*there was a meaning.. right here..*

takemoru: hagu.... *cries* I... I'm so.... I'm so glad that i fell in love with you...

~end~

haha.. though i din cry bt hey.. i was touched.. so wat he din get the girl.. his love for her was special..

seems like there were people who cried at the end.. haha!

for those who dun understand.. i'm talking about the ending of a super real anime about life, love and friendship..

Honey and Clover.. we salute you!

utar miracles

2009-08-24T22:54:00.000-07:00

i wanna go back to penang island, bt in order to do so i need to leave wit a peace of mind, so i have to check bar list n see if i kena bo..

since my hp is already KO, i cant receive calls or read msges.. sad rite? yea i have to go back pg to fix it coz still under warranty..

me, pinky, jess and tzy meng wen to fgo office..

me: is the bar list out yet?

management: did u receive call? if din receive then good la..

me: my hp spoil.. cant receive call.. so i need to check the bar list myself..

management: nevermind, if u kena we will call u..

me: my hp spoil how will u all call me?

management: we will call u la if u kena bar by this week..

me:... *lost for words*

jess: dia punya hp rosak.. tak boleh receive calls.. bagaimana utar mau call dia?

management: huh....? .....??

us: .................

tzy meng: hp rosak, tak boleh receive call...

finally the idiot said the only thing that proved he had a brain..

management: pergi baiki la..!

me: wat if i dun have a hp...? then hw the hell are u gonna call me??

management: impossible la.. hp so important now..

wonderful rite? they can make calls to you even though ur hp is spoil, broken, etc.. they must have learn dat trick from the ghost of the one missed call movie.. besides that, they dun even have a contigency plan to handle this problem.... they simply assume we all got hp to use anytime anywhere based on the sole reason hp is important..

as wat miss leong would say.. YOU FAIL..!

addicted to ed

2009-08-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

ed westwick.. my one n only charles bass......... *drools*

oh gosh... his eyes can make every single iceberg in the north pole melt and cause the biggest tsunami that floats the earth.... *sighs*

he looks good slumber..

he looks good from the back..

he looks good from the top..

he looks good smiling..=]

he looks good rugged..

he looks good in a suit.. n in pink..! lol!

talk about a total hottie!!

simply irreplacable chuck!

hana yori dango

2009-08-23T02:31:00.000-07:00

hana yori dango..

eng translation is boys before flowers.. i bet i dun have to simplify dat story coz its so damn famous world wide de..

honestly when i first watched meteor garden last time, i tot it was kinda stupid n superficial since i dun get the characters and wat they are supposed to portray.. either the director is dumb or da actors suck.. in this case i would say the actors suck!

then i read the manga, hana yori dango by kamio yoko.. the hardcopy of this very very very famous and soon to be franchise all over the world.. i have to say its damn good!! ten million times better than meteor garden!!

this is the picture cover of the manga.. clockwise from the top is mimasaka akira, hanazawa rui, makino tsukushi, doumyouji tsukasa, and nishikado soujiro.

then in April 2001 came the taiwanese meteor garden.. just a recreation of the manga into a drama..

as u can see.. the main reason y its so effing famous is coz the characters are equally effing hot! from the left, mimasaka akira played by vanness, doumyouji tsukasa played by jerry, makino tsukushi played by barbie, hanazawa rui played by vic and nishikado soujiro played by ken.

then in october 2005 came a japanese drama named hana yori dango after the original manga name..

i couldn't really find the original pic for this drama.. bt i did find one that they took for the final movie..
dun be fooled by the picture and think dat the characters are not as hot as the taiwanese cast coz in action they are really damn effing hot!! this drama is more in par with the manga than the taiwanese version and believe it or nt, doumyouji here is much much much more violent! he made the taiwanese doumyouji looked lk a sissy! besides that, the actors are real actors!!! in other words, they can really act!!

from left, nishikado soujiro played by matsuda shota, doumyouji tsukasa played by the hot hot matsumoto jun, makino tsukushi played by inoue mao, hanazawa rui played by heartrop shun ogori, and lastly mimasaka akira played by abe tsuyoshi.

then in december 2008 came the korean drama named boys before flowers, the eng translation of the manga.. lol!in this version, the boys are........ well.. not bad.. nt tat hot also cept for the first two on the left, which are the side characters!@ the two main characters are not really as hot as the side characters!! lol! bt ok la.. they all can act.. dunno da cast coz nt interested.. hehe.. sorry..

one thing bout this version is dat they tend to add and twist the happenings bt still not sway from the original story line.. for instance, the famous punch by makino which changed dounyouji became a flying kick in the korean version n so on.. lol! maybe coz its korean and taekwando is from korea.. who knows...

finally...... in feb 2009... dum dum dum dum...!! china version!! let's go watch meteor shower!!
whoa such a lame title!! can make dogs laugh! no wonder they all eat dog meat..

hmm... this is F4?? omg!! my eyes?!?!!!? argh.........!!!!!!!!!!! cast: dunno n dun care..

*pinky comment: so da china guy! so da not nation wide! the korean version is much more better than the china one eventhough i hate the korean one!! china suck..!!*

the winner among all...?? for me its the one and only hana yori dango....!! all of them are hot! good actors!! and story line is great, funny and entertaining! a great justice to the original manga!

18 aug 2009. 11.17 am

2009-08-17T20:10:00.001-07:00

wei scold ppl also look yourself in the mirror first la..

i dun care u scold me bt wen u ngai bout it only it pisses me off..

i'm your boss k! without me, u have no job!

u wanna say i late bla bla bla.. then you yourself b on time la!

wat u saw me at 8 am..? your watch spoil is it? or is it ur mata sepek? FYI u saw me at 8:20 a.m..!

u wasted 20 mins of my life! not only today bt every single tuesday morning! i go eat nia also so bising! u wanna scold also dun talk bullshit la!

luckily i din come pms like u only.. abo u kena kao kao de!

go lick ur own pussy and fuck ur own arse!

goodbye pocky.. i will miss you..

2009-08-17T06:35:00.000-07:00

my pocky.... ~~~

*crys in heart*

my poooooooccckyyyy...... wwuuuuuuu.....

the story of W910i

2009-08-16T07:30:00.001-07:00

this is the story of my very own red Sony Ericson.

once upon a time, there was a phone called W910i. it was metalic red with a big wide long eye in the middle of the face. it liked to send messages, play songs, receive and make calls.. whoa it even can take pictures and zoom!

it was broad bt slim and elegant. the perfect combination of sleek and masculinity in one.. girls take look cool.. guys take look even more cool.. so fantastic la this piece of crap.. OOPS i mean this very very very very very very damn yeng phone..

it served many purposes, such as, as a distraction, to avoid ackward situations as well as to relive boredom for 10 mins.. bt then again.. it liked to hang and lag from time to time.. this hp also have a damn freaking good sense of humour.. for instance. while in a serious conversation, the hp can auto start just for fun. messages can just hang and you would have to master reset it.. which means deleting all ur own words which means ending up making msging an extra drag and all ur hard work to input new words would be gone just like dat.

one day, due to totally no bloody reason at all.. the mic stopped working.. it has became dumb bt it still capable to hear and see.. bt it was not that bad cause got back up.. a very good friend called ear phones.

however, recently, W910i felt it was too good for the earphones and decided to make contacting and detecting the ear phones very difficult bt you still need them cause ear phones are used to take over the mic bt then it would also mean u have to bring it along to wherever u go.. if forget, the is still the messaging option.

then suddenly, due to the hp big humongous sense of humour, it decided to go blind as well.. whoa.. bravo.. nw screen totally blank and black.. good bye messaging and making calls.. bt it is still able to receive calls when it feels like it.. if it doesn't feel like it, you can just kiss and wipe its ass also no gurantee.. such a wonderful phone rite?

the ending for this hp is still uncertain and still in the progress.. but dun hope or wait for the second movie about this stinking sad excuse for a hp. most probably it will suffer a sad sad sad death of accidentally falling from the fourth floor of a certain condo in Sg. Long.

random flash back

2009-08-13T03:02:00.000-07:00

once a person said to me, ' are you really that choosy? y cant u trust any of us?'

i told her, ' its nt dat i dun trust, its all of you that is so untrustworthy'

till now, i still dunno why is it dat i really din trust them.. those girls i grew up wit in high sch..

there was one who said i was her best fren, then back stabbed me cause her bf seem to be close to me. actually i was convincing him nt to break up wit her since she loves him so much.. n till now i still kept a secret which i could have used to break them apart but din coz maybe the truth might have killed her permanently..

then there was one who used me to get to my inner circle then back stabbed me after acheiving her main goal, 'that is to get in then kick me out'. yea i gotta say i did kinda deserve it coz of my mistakes and i did see it coming bt then i ignored it coz i gave her the benefit of the doubt..

after that, they did come crawling back to me one by one.. which i found funny.. is friendship so easy to manipulate??

guys are so much nicer to hang out wit.. at least they dun only talk bout fashion, clothes, and all the other boring stuff.. sports and baggy pants were my life.. n it still is la.. lol..

college has its own improvements when i find more of my kind of girls there.. n da guys have no exceptions.. they were still as fun as they were since high sch..

uni pulak.. erm well.. high sch flash backs where there were more of one kind instead of the normal kinds.. lol if you get wat i mean.. its nt dat i dun try, more like i'm just too choosy.. bt then if i were to b dat way, then would i always end up alone? lol.. training to fend for myself since high sch wasn't a waste afterall.. n i would rather die than to be someone i'm nt just to fill in the gap..

means dats wat i'll always be... a lone wolf who separates itself from the pack willingly.. lol sounds so sad la my life.. yet so so happy..

lol.. maybe this is wat they call a sad happiness..

internet sucks n ntg to do..

2009-08-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

alright i'm gonna say it here...

i'm gonna switch to tutorial 2 starting next sem.. there! i said it!

so i hope there would be lesser power struggle for certain people n i might have to make a few people's lives miserable bt save a lost cause... so whatever la...

ivan is back from Korea n he has grown................................................. thinner??

no shit man! his clothes were actually hanging loose for the first time ever!!

haha my daulat thin de... have to stock up on boost to build da royal belly..... how also i'll still lose to him la cause how also he is daulat.. must greet him daulat tuanku as respect...

ho ho he bought skin food for me eh... bloody hell da stuff there is like bloody half the bloody price here! no shit!

da pic is blur thks to my superior picture taking skills... zzzz....

da one on the left is sun screen n its green coffee.. whatever that is.. never heard of it... n tak ada in malaysia eh.. hell yea to daulat!@

da one on the right is salmon brigtening eye serum for my panda eyes which is mutating day by day thanks to my great determination to never sleep early.. zzz....

anyways... thks DAULAT IVAN!! will pay u tomolo! ^^

penang trip

2009-08-04T01:11:00.000-07:00

first off...

celebrated his bday in my shit of a place called Sg. Long.. omg hate this shit hole..

happie burtday dearest stanley!! muaks!!!

bought him an awesome pair of converse shoes..!! just make sure u dun run away wit them can de.......=.='

went back pg on his bday for further celebration at Seoul Garden with Wolverin and Skywawa.. lols..

hell yea man!!!! delicious max!!! my black pepper beef and all da 8 flavours of chicken!!! HELL YEA MAX!!

so nice bday boy get to eat for free....

after that its movie time.. Wolverin can't join us so only me, stan, skywawa, and tina to watch Public Enemies!
while chilling around the cinema saw this really cun pic of new moon!

whoa cun la this poster!! but not localised enough..

ah now la CUN!!! lol! asian style twilight! lame max...!
seriously it was so bloody hard to snap this shot coz one of us will laugh then all will end up laughing...! then must try to pose again.. zzz... haha! have to say i did a great job of immitating Bella by staring into space and dreaming bout laksa and chendol..

seriously man.. that girl has only two main facial expressions in the movie! bored or sleepy.. others are tired, spaced out, weird.. lol no offense to Bella fans out there!

Public Enemies was good! johnny depp is still eff-ing hot!

he died in the end due to multiple gunshots to the head and torso but heroes who die at the end of movies are the real heroes afterall.. snaps to Depp for dying in the end of Public Enemies!

next day wen to my friend's wedding with Stan.. bla bla bla... met old high sch frens.. bla bla bla.. cant seem to be able to communicate with them anymore.. the gap has widen to the extend where the title of 'highschool mates' seems even too close to describe our relationship..

later that night, met up wit Wolverin and Skywawa then went to the NetCity opposite new world park. drank our favourite brew of chrysanthemum or water chesnut, and off to play Left4Dead. cun cun 4 people!

our dear Wolverin expert la so he masuk first round jadi hero then walked too far in front of us and end up kena gang bang by a bunch of zombies..

then second round, after the reincarnation of Wolverin, me n Skywawa died coz our dear Mr. Stanley Ho kena one knock in the head by the boss then in order to protect him, we stayed behind then kena raped by the boss instead.. *trust me we did want to leave him behind, we just couldn't cause his fat body was blocking the escape route*.. thank you Mr. Ho.. :p

third round, start start take gun, take ammo, take health pack, take pills, take whatever there la to start mission. Mr. Ho turns and falls off a cliff.. got movie to show us how he fell some more.. belum bunuh zombie lagi, sendiri sudah lompat mati.. HAHA!

but it was nice la da game! so scary!! a must try!!

love love love luv luv luv lub lub lub... ^^
muaks!!

Before i met you, my world was nothing but thin like crystals, fragile and frail to the touch. It was cold and heartless just like how i perceived love as a tainted crown fools choose wear to sit on an icy throne. In the end, they'll break the crown through bitter tears, leaving behind shards of white and blue. This never ending blizzard was home, it was all i knew. But you came bearing a flame in your soul and through the storm you heated the very core of my sky. Now without you, all i feel is a lonely emptiness, longing for your warmth for you burned a scar so deeply in my heart. I will follow the trail you leave forever for i will never be able to live without you.

With love.. Roz..

our short conversation on the 16th july 2009

2009-07-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

time: 2:10 am
venue: our room in sg. long

pinky the one in red, me the half dead person next to her..

introduction

i was selecting a profile pic for my facebook.. i selected one from the time we went to zouk together gether.. after selecting i asked her opinion.

me: hey this pic ok ma? *points*

pinky: why you dun wan the other one? your smile look better there.

me: but your eyes look weird ma... then this one ur face ok but half lo.. but nt weird lo..

pinky: dun wan la! the other one la!!

me: ok ok ..

*view pics in my documents*

pinky: ah choose this one! *points at a pic of herself wearing my specs*

me: hey in this pic u really look like auntie la!

pinky: i where got look like auntie? k i will prove to u! take another picture! where's your spec??

me: ..................

*pinky searching around my table*

me: .....i'm wearing it.........

*silence*

best wednesday

2009-07-09T09:26:00.000-07:00

8 july 2009

the best wednesday of the year..

i felt like i was lying on a meadow far away from society. basking under the sun at the end of the world! though in reality i was just killing time at the fourth floor staircase..

no one goes there actually.. its like da best place to just chill and avoid 'certain people'. it is silent with only a few distant noises now and then..

gosh i wish it just wen on and on and time just stopped then and there.. see the clear blue sky, and realise dat you're actually a spec in the universe..

this feeling brings back memories of high school.. i could hear whispers saying how sad a person i am, always alone, being emo at one corner.. smiling thinking how naive they were.. being alone wen u wanna be and being wit friends wen u wanna be.. dat kind of freedom is the best..

i found my santuary.. if u cant find me then dun find me.. lol!

hehe.. being emo emo emo emo emo emo mo mo mo mo mo mo....

me being nt so emo without specs or tying my hair.. lol tangan gatal mau experiment.. ;p

life is finally great at Utar..

omg did i just say dat???

miss Abc

2009-07-07T01:48:00.000-07:00

cant help it...

just wen i tot u were the normal one in the bunch u turn out to be the worse...

zzz.. two faced doll made of porcelain..! ish! i only said dat to u as a fren and u expect me to apologize for it??

yea sure i did coz well ur nt worth any further concerns i have for you and from wat u said, u totally expected me to apologize to u.. my fren told me nt to bother n just ignore coz wat i said wasn't wrong but heck i know u'll stay up all night waiting for me to reply..

swt man! u actually tot i was looking for trouble wit u wen i said it?? i said it out of concern! n u expect me to apologize just coz u dun like it??

drop dead la.. u pretend to be nice and then push ppl away.. just what the fuck is ur intention la? u act as though u wanted a chance then wen ppl give time like this pulak.. ceh.. waste my effort to defend u all da time.. go eat shit la!

at the end of the day, ur alone and the only 'thing' you have is your self love for yourself.. dun forget ur still just a 'person' nt god!

zzz.. sad for u cause in a way, you will never know what it's like to have a true friend..

last night

2009-07-03T04:14:00.001-07:00

as usual i overestimated him again.. y do i always forget he is younger than me..?
that i shouldn't put so much hope in him to understand things beyond his age? he thinks i'm childish in how i talk wen i start to get really sarcastic.. dats only cause he chooses to think ways dat are out of this world thus the sarcasm in my voice cause in a way i am mad at myself for overestimating and mad at him for never able to reach that level of understanding..

i find it funny that even those who dun spend as much time wit me unlike him can answer to my feelings better than him.. wen i ask how? they always give me the same answer.. 'oi! i'm older than your bf k!'

hahahaha.. gosh if i were different person i would also laugh at me..

he said the discussions we have dun contribute much to our relationship.. the reason y i don have discussions is basically cause... hmm my thinking is nt alien? dunno y i always have to see the best in people n just trust them.. i do expect the worse from people bt i wonder hw is it to expect and think the worse of people all the time eventhough its someone u love..

i hate to sms.. been a known fact since i had a hp.. sorry that i replied slow n made u think i was cheating on u.. its all my fault..

i'm sorry for making you think i don care though i spent the whole day thinking wat to get u for your bday.. i'm sorry for teasing you in facebook cause well.. i shudn't care about u rite?

i know i'll get in trouble for posting up this blog cause.. weelll.. i always do though the whole purpose i have a blog is to vent but i'll still get in trouble for venting.. lol.. whatever.. it's my blog neways and i'm still human who has anger..

auntie jessy

2009-06-28T02:11:00.003-07:00

wei aunty jessy!

i cant log in ur blog la wei.....

jangan la macam tu............ sobs

nice weekend back

2009-06-23T04:34:00.000-07:00

ah finally some time to blog n bla n vent etc...

last week i went back on wed to celebrate my best friend's farewell.. we only know each other like 3 years ago but heck its like we knew each other since birth..

we are alot alike so i guess it contributes la! ^^
she's back in the game after a while being hitched to some arse n yea i'll say again, ARSE! luckily she got before it turned even uglier.. god i hope he crashes into a petrol tank on a sunday at 4 30 am.

haha coi! curse also dun wan coz of me la.. i'm sure got lots of others to do it for me! fuking bastard!

neways she's back in the game which i know ppl who doesn't know us wouldn't know what kinda game i'm talking about but yea it was kinda nostalgic seeing her.. lol.. not that i approve but the victims are players as well so wats wrong with a little competition right?

sad to say she lost terribly bt won by a rejection at the same time.. haha! hmmm i wonder if it was me being who i was last time, would i have done any better? most probably not.. her scheming is like few weeks long whereas i just work with wat i can at the time considering the conditions and layout of the situation. so she's da planner n i'm versatile.. together equals e=mc2.. ah.. dun bring out the old me again.. i dun wanna be responsible for tears d ler.... ack!

hmm sorry i din have any pics since i'm nt the taking pics type.. all i could say is dat its freaking hectic eh! wake up after 3 hours of sleep then go market get chicken wings, chicken ass then ate vegetarian (omg stanley ate vegetarian!!), then tesco to get mushroom mushroom and MORE mushroom!! we were high on shrooms ppl!

back at my home, stanley cut ass... ahem.. LOL!!! me n kate just chill in the living room watching the tv version of the game.. whoo hoo.. ^^

then its off to kate's office to marinate the food for tomolo! herbs and olive oil and etc.. healthy stuff ^^.. argh accidentally cut my finger while i was chopping lotus.. but din feel anything cause my body like already numb to pain.. it felt like donating blood actually.. lol!

later that nite.. ah another clubbing nite... it wasn't tat good coz the club was diff and the dj freaking sucks max!!!!!! btw it was fame but lots of ppl said it was improving... zzzzz.... so it was like flat the whole nite.. in addition we din even drink and the music sucks = totally down!

the next day is just bout the whole bbq thing.. her friends were there n i was there wit stanley.. the beach was kinda packed with ppl that nite.. it was like a bbq at beach nite.. bt we got a nice spot in the middle so it was all good..

the nite ended with me dancing wit her at the beach as usual but this time its a slow dance.. she's nt keen on moving to sg to work.. well penang is the best la.. has its own beach and has everything.. dun worry i'll visit soon!!

the next day was the day i was supposed to go back de.. supposed to celebrate fathers' day with my grandpa but no chance so after kate gave stanley his be-early bday present which was a facial..!!... lol.. i went to super tanker to eat then i said goodbye to both of the most important ppl in my life..

next week kate is coming down to kl so yea at least i still can see her one more time.. ^^

2009-06-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

seems like i'm out of energy..
when everything i say seems to be wrong
everything i do needs an explanation
and my reasons are unacceptable
so when it comes to the point where not saying anything is the best
just listening will do and accepting it to be the truth
will it then stop the arguements?
n stop the chains you put on me?

2009-06-05T06:28:00.000-07:00

at last the moon shows it light
illuminating a withering sight
fireflies floating in the wind
how could they let the wind carry them so
dangling on a silver tread
spun by cruel nature
the depths of this soul
so deep and dark
wandering among the flickering stars
escaping from wavering eyes
as the wind blows the dust away
then will they notice a demon
so weak and demeaning
with it, it carries a broken heart
the moon sings a gentle song
mourning the demon
with tears that were long gone

sem break events

2009-06-01T06:06:00.001-07:00

my trip back to penang has once again been an eventful trip filled with total drama thanks to both my bf and my best friend..

both of you can really make my life a complicated shojo, drama, slice of life manga out of the three weeks back home.. Zzz max!

bout the whole keeping a condom in my wallet issue is so ridiculous i couldn't believe it lasted for the whole nite! y cant he just accept the first reason which is widely accepted world wide even in internet but he had to ask more..

would it be easier to buy one myself and stop da drama but noooo... i had to overestimate him and 'ask for more'.. congrats rose u really have to stop totally putting faith completely on a semi lit flame that could explode almost instantly..

how to i answer to something i am not familiar wit? especially wen he insists on one totally different from the one i gave him before which is totally acceptable but apparently not to him.. especially wen i was to answer directly at that time? lie?? well i did dat n yea i did expect him to blow up since it was ridiculous but since he din wan the normal one, so i gave him a ridiculous one.. lol

i was trained to expect the worst possible outcome from every situation.. but gosh i din see this one coming.. i really did overestimate him.. love is really blinding.. i walked into a wide open trap.. stupid rookie mistake.. aint happeing again..!

i dun really wanna talk bout wat happened at the club.. he got drunk, she got drunk.. everyone got drunk but me.. as for the whole his friend 'handling' me.. it's only coz its 'him' dat its such a big deal.. honestly if another girl did da same thing i would only find it amusing if my bf din feel anything like how i felt nothing.. dunno y both of you so da sensitive bout this.. u think i cant protect myself? but cant really talk reason to people who cares too much for u..

now i cant talk to tat guy anymore and suddenly i'm kinda wrong to stand in the middle of him n my bf? well its not like he did any permanent damage to me so no reason for me to not talk to him rite? but since i never start an argument wit my bf b4 i have no choice since its helping alot of ppl in this case i will then not talk to him anymore..

seriously if i were still as thick headed as i used to be i ll do whatever shit i like as long as i know i have the right to do it.. but i dun wanna be the girl who got in between.. though i dun think its already too late..

the issues are already solved.. just venting my feelings..

dejavu

2009-05-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

recently i have been doing quite alot of quizes in facebook.. most of them ask me the same question : what would you do to your enermy/ a person you don't like when you see them?

honestly i hav no idea.. err walk pass without noticing them? rip their clothes? lol.. i dunno la cause well i dun really have people whom i dun like..

but there is this one girl whom though she din do anything in particular to me but she did give me an impression of her being the 'thing' to ruin girls name everywhere cause of the way she presents herself.. she thinks she's better than everyone else wen in reality she might really be better but the bitchful attitude that comes with it is really yelk!

it's nt like i'm da type to worship or totally look up to or praise a person of the same gender as me.. though i do to one particular girl but this one.. omg.. i just cant admire her for her gifts.. why does she have to be such a bitch dat i unsuspectingly compare myself to her..

in ways dat i have better skills are just am better than her, i am proud.. but i never tot dat what if one day she'll actually overtake me.. how will i feel n what would i do wit it?

it's weird for me to even compare since i'm so proud to be unique as in i'm totally myself..

so now what would i do to a person i dun like or hated wen i see them? if i were to see her.. i would feel like burning off her breast n make it into a pie then feed it to my neighbour's dog..

but wat am i really gonna do bout it? wel... pilates... burn off the excess fat n anger.. feel good bout myself then stop comparing coz heck.. i'm still better looking.. ^^

amboi perasan betul.. lol

whatever

2009-04-22T15:04:00.001-07:00

its been a while since i had dat whatever feeling.. lols..

the feeling dat wen ppl ask me about something or ask for my opinion i'll just say whatever to them simply without any emotions whatsoever..

it solves whatever problem and doesn't need any whatever explanation to it.. miss dat feeling though.. whatever goes and whatever doesn't matter..

the whatever feeling of numbness.. where everything else doesn't matter as long as u could just avoid any intervention..

though rude to always say whatever.. its da greatest word in the world when all you wan is to just be numb..

so whatever.............
do whatever u like and i'll agree to whatever that i think the answer should be whatever..

new hottie in my list

2009-04-20T04:23:00.000-07:00

k my last japanese hottie crush was Ikuta Toma.. but now he has a new competitor..

Matsumoto Jun!!

but in terms of talent they are both equal i think.. they both can sing, dance, act and are freakishly good looking Asians..! OMG! the only thing holding them back from me saying they are perfect is that they are both not tat tall (not even over 180cm) and small built.. but they are both Japanese so what to do right? taking steroids is not really the right way to go also..

u be the judge.. who is hotter?

name: Ikuta Toma
bod: Oct 7, 1984
horoscope: Libra
Blood type: A
height: 176cm

plays soccer
can sing, dance and act

name: Matsumoto Jun
bod: Aug 30, 1983
horoscope: Virgo
blood type: A-
height: 173cm

plays basketball
can sing, dance and act

to me they are both f-ing hot eh.. cause can get me addicted to watching their dramas when exams are like just next week!!!

hmm i think the most date-able would be Ikuta..
but the hotter one is still Matsumoto..

once upon a time

2009-03-30T11:35:00.001-07:00

there was a time in my life where it was alright to cheat, lie, and be a total bitch but it was all acceptable.. i inherit and adapted traits of a type of person i half hated to be yet it was who i was back then..

now all grown and away from home.. i wonder if it is still in me.. the inner flame that once governed my attitude, my beliefs, my whole personality.. i remember i was liked, envied, admired, back stabbed, or maybe even hated.. and all through it i still liked who i was cause i had people by my side who said it was ok and accepted me..

now i'm a place where everything is new and the people differs entirely.. what happened to the old genuine smile? its weird cause i feel like a fish out of water or a small piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit.. it gave me a new perspective of myself..

i received something i desired and i lost it to something even better.. holding to that something better is not just to treasure or love it.. it's not just emotions or gratitude that would keep it near to my heart.. somehow the 'me' entirely plays a significant role too..

but the feeling that i was a big fish in a pond was kinda cool now in the ocean, honestly i'm lost but it wasn't so bad as i could still enjoy the little things in life.. now that i am faced with the choice of adapting to their ways or not, i'll just go with the 'or not' even if it means total isolation..

but its ok cause the silver lining shins brighter in the darker sky.. seriously, its beautiful..

then again.. from the time before, there were traits i was so proud of.. is it i'm throwing it all away or is it i just wanna taste the forbidden fruit once in a while for a price i cant afford?

even so i shouldn't, should i? if i still want what's important to always stay close to me..
is this a habit or is it like tasting chocolate after a month of vanila?

kill Lonely Boy!!!!

2009-03-29T13:38:00.000-07:00

hate hate hate Dan Humphrey..!
he's the biggest jerk in Brooklyn!! EVER!!

i like the lyrics..^^

2009-03-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

like a starlight from a thousand miles away
we can only gaze at each other
trust that love does not lie
and that it is only treasured separately
the wish that i am waiting for
always ends in disappointment
like a brilliant meteor falling to its end
how can the power of your love
fly towards
an unreachable place so far away
the distant starlight can only be admired
will you do the same and keep love in your heart?
even if the star filled sky grants me a thousand wishes
i only wan you to always be by my side

gaze by jimmy lin

eyeshield 21 for life

2009-03-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

luvluvluv this pic though the credits are there and all.. lol.. sena is so cool wit his serious look! gosh! GORGEOUS MAX!

but.. Hiruma is still my hero... hehe..

sien de

2009-03-20T02:35:00.000-07:00

in the end what she felt and said was all for nothing..

its funny when i tot dat i was the same last time but that was last time n it will never happen again..

it's pointless to come together again after u break up cause the problems that were not settled will come back again then you'll cry n cry then emo for a few days but are you willing to go through it again with the same guy?

lol.. well as long as she's happy then i wont care much for her and her 'problem' again..

at least let me know it was all crocodile tears so that i wouldn't freak out so much and feel so sad for her.. feel so stupid to feel sad over something dat was not even worth feeling sad for in the first place.. if you werent gonna stick to your decision then wat for you act as though u wan my support in your decision?

why la you wanna break up when you are not planning stick through to your decision in the first place? are you expecting something in return for it? cry n feel sad for almost a week for wat? fun? if tat's so then dun tell me de la.. waste my energy for you nia.. to watch you suffer and cry..

haihz.. whatever la.. as long as you're happy but if anything ever happens to you guys again dun tell me de la.. i cant help but say i told you so..

converse much??

2009-03-19T08:07:00.000-07:00

ah finally its time for him to go back to the island.. will join u there soon dear!

anyways here to crap bout some biatch or 'ho' as my stan calls her..

gosh she n her whole eff-ing team of useless *****s work in da bloody converse store in Midvalley! hint= darker skin ppl..

omg! wat the fuck service man!!

its like i wan a shoe size .. my size is 6 for converse shoes and yea go figures since they are having sales and every pattern comes in only two pairs for each size so yea la nt expecting to be able to find a shoe there bt hey saw one damn nice eh! jeans/fury material..! unique! oh yea got my size so i wanted to try it on..

ok da bloody ppl there like 'ooh' then start looking around for it.. everything ok rite? eff-ing wrong ok! da girl, guy, girl like wanna look for it also like no energy.. like as though they wanna slack off by using the i'm trying to find her shoe excuse to goof off! need at least da whole staff there to find ur bloody shoe!

how la they wanna do business??? u'll feel like slapping or whacking their faces just for the heck of it! trust me they deserve it!

the girl like come period.. fat and obnoxious! as though we owe her money like dat! she face looks as though she has some big watermelon shoved up her ass! up so high tat she spent da whole night looking for it dat she din sleep then she come work..

da shoe i wanna buy also i dun wanna buy! rather go back to pg to buy one..!!
stan was not happy at all!!!

blek!

2009-03-16T07:54:00.001-07:00

hey just wanna remind u guys that i blog to vent anger.. most of it doesn't even have 20 % of truth in it so dun take it to heart if i blog stuff dat i'm annoyed by you coz like seriously even i can get angry from time to time..

now for the main reason i blog..

haha! my bf is here!! whoooo hooo!!!

i miss you i miss you i miss you!

stupid stupid!!

2009-03-07T22:43:00.000-08:00

thks to those three people who had no respect for my laptop and just turn off the bloody switch while my laptop was still running when there is like other switches for them to turn off to restart the bloody internet...!!!

now my fucking laptop is so fucking screwed!

haihz.... another one year plus till i can get out!!

clubs nites gone

2009-03-05T03:19:00.000-08:00

now when i think of going club, i feel kinda sad or down..

haih.. dat memory still lingers round me.. really damn sad la wei..

feel like i can no longer just dance n enjoy myself..

ever since dat nite.. i really just dun wanna go club anymore..

brings back bitterness..

how do we judge what is right to believe?

2009-02-26T22:40:00.000-08:00

when we go for drinks (alcohol), why is it alright for people to accept the remarks of a drunk person..? because we know that they are just talking under the influence of alcohol.. but is it true? are they all drunk people just spewing out random things for the sake of the moment or are they really just saying wat they really think deep down inside?

when is it applicable for someone to judge someone else's word as the truth?

wat bout when a person is sad or angry? is it alright to think that that is wat really wats going on in their minds? or does the saying that we shouldn't take a person's word seriously especially when he emotionally imbalance true?

if that's true then y are they even allowed to speak at all.. y is it that we have to let them say the most hurtful things and say its ok? are we just being optimistic or are we actually in denial?

why is it so wrong to believe wat they say is the truth? afterall with all their emotions raging to explode, time for filtering information is limited to the degree of their own rational mind. but most people are not emotionally trained to block their anger from saying how they really feel and what they really think..

and we as the victims have to bear it with patience? what if its actually really the truth and we decide to believe and then later to be told as they were angry thus it is nt to be counted as the truth? how do we know its nt just bullshit?

this is my truth then..
what you say under whatever influence always has a certain degree of truth..
but this doesnt always apply to girls who has pms.. not being able to control emotions is a terrible thing.. so this only applys to those who doesnt have pms at the moment..

so in conclusion, what you said was the truth that i have no heart but that's only cause u dun know me so i dun deserve to be judged by anyone especially you..
what you said really broke my heart then and now..

porcelin face

2009-02-22T10:15:00.000-08:00

im here to tell you bout 2 faced ppl who are really just plain hypocrites..

actually i feel sad for this kind o ppl, that they somehow cannot really like a person or they could never have real friends..

all i could do is pray for them to live as happily as they can till the rest of their days.. afterall who would wanna mix wit a two faced bitch who hides in her shell just to scheme bout the fall for tomolo.. we can only wonder why she does this..

but all i can say is 'hey dude, get a life'

n if u wanna lie bout something, y dun u just do it to my face? i mean come on.. dun u wanna at least try to have frens first b4 u step on other ppl's heads to get to the top??

are u really dat stupid in ur own way or are u just in denial??
should i feel sad for you or should i just play the same game cept your da one losing n you dun even know it??

nah in the end ur just a porcelin face waiting for someone wit a hammer to hammer you..

too much!

2009-02-19T06:59:00.000-08:00

argh!!!!!!!!

wat?? tell me wat?? wat have i ever done to deserve for my laptop being treated dat way??

wat have i ever done to u guys laptop huh????

b4 this u guys never off the main switch to restart the modem so y freaking now???
huh?? y nt??
y the fucking now????

u guys wan my laptop to die alot faster than it should???
u guys think im so rich to buy a new one???

fucking fuckers!!
i know i shouldn't b so angry bout it bt hell yeah im freaking fucking angry!!!
i swear on ur great grandmothers cibai dat im freaking pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!

argh!! damn it!! if u wanna kill something go kill a freaking cat! its as innocent as my laptop!

sorry i just wanna vent anger!
on behalf of my laptop..

friday night dinner : prison food

2009-02-08T11:09:00.001-08:00

hey if you guys are wondering how to make prison food.. i have a dummy's guide to making prison food.. it's so easy you could make it in ur own kitchen..

ingredients
one can of sardine one teaspoon of curry powder one handful of spaghetti
directions
first, cook the sardine in kuali under low temperature..
second, pour half cup of water and stir..
third, add the teaspoon of curry powder..
fourth, cook the spaghetti in separate pot of boiling water..
fifth, after spaghetti is soft add into the kuali and fry under low heat..
after fried evenly, off the fire and serve..

the end results is.............................. tada!!!!

yucky disgusting spaghetti / prison food..

can be served for two...=]

P.S it's actually not that bad la actually.. it just looks really disgusting and it makes the 'splat splat' sound..

i am just me

2009-02-07T05:32:00.000-08:00

when you just met someone, it's impossible to know immediately who that person is unless you're the observant type..

ok i know we just met just a few months ago but then even though we spent so much time talking, laughing, sharing and etc.. it's strange that you still cant see the person i am..

yea i admit that i'm much more complicated than any ordinary girl.. yea i know what i say doesn't tally to a direct conclusion but i am always in the middle.. if i feel its rite then its me.. depending on circumstances even principles can break or hold even stronger..

it's true that i'm simple minded but there are times where i am complicated.. you can always tell with confidence that you know me but then i can be random at times.. maybe i'm a person who can accept change but that doesn't mean i can accept every aspect of it.. my behavior and thinking may change in different situations yet my personality will remain the same..

i'm really sorry cause the picture you painted of me isn't quite the same as the me the next day.. i hope one day you would be able to understand me though i change like seasons.. maybe one day you'll be able to know what of me will change but what will always remain the same without asking me cause it's getting harder harder to answer when it's just me.. i'm not a true permanent answer..

what i'm trying to say is dat.. i'm just a simple and average person yet unique and complicated.. pls try to understand me without thinking and asking me too much cause its hard to find an answer but what i can say is that i hate being like everyone else..

anticipation is killing me

2009-01-18T05:58:00.000-08:00

as time comes...

its harder to face reality.. but if i deserve it.. then i'll shall take the consequences with everything there is i own to my name.. but if the situation was different than i would have changed fate.. forgive me as i want to go through this alone.. i wanna take this sin to my grave.. please don punish anyone else but me.. because it is my decision to persevere for a second chance at a better life for those who are involved..

wat i'm trying to say is.... pls dun let me repeat the subs.......!!

why?? why us?? why earth??

2009-01-11T23:11:00.000-08:00

once upon a time, there was a boy who was much loved by his parents.. loved so much to the extent of moulding his brain to one which is alien and annoying.. it became useless and unable to comprehend the simplest and obvious of all common sense..

this boy is a special boy.. so special that he has to have what he wanted without thinking much about the consequences or future of his actions now.. in other words, he's a simple guy who doesn't think enough.. if he doesn't get what he wants, he'll frustrate and irritate you just because he feels dat way or maybe just for the heck of it.. some ppl say he's a sadist who likes to torture people emotionally instead of physically but i think he's more than that.. i think he's also a machosist..

till now.. scientists around the world are still researching on this strange species and they have failed to come to a conclusion of what exact description of this new annoying species.. questions like why has it come to existence? why did god put it here? or even how did it happened??? experts say it was cause of a single sperm that this defect came to live.. da only thing i can describe this phenomenon is as a total disaster.. like seriously...

he enjoys standing behind you with an uncle look on his blur face and and screaming hysterically when you are talking.. according to him he just wanted to 'see if you notice him' or 'scare you rudely to see if you get shocked'. he's da rare breed dat no one would pay anything for.. i for one would pay for his extinction..

alright ladies and gents.. how bout u do da math?

ahem.....

he's da the only one thing u really truly with your whole heart regretted in your life.. if u had a chance you would take it without a doubt to change your fate so that memories of you guys ever being together would be erased..! like forever!!!

the reason why you broke up wit him is cause you have totally no romantic feelings for him that you only see him as a friend.. like forever!!! cause he isn't your type.. like not even 1%! if he's a normal ordinary guy, he would accept it like a man and move on like a man.. but he isn't one since he insists on continuing the relationship and refuse to acknowledge the pain that you have to go through to pretend to be his girl.

so after the trauma he put you through.. he msg to ask you out.. oh yea.. i forgot to mention.. he never calls.. he only messages.. so yea.. he msg to ask you out.. seeing that you don't want to 'redig' the trauma, you gently hint that there's no freaking way in hell you are ever gonna meet him willingly.. he doesn't get it.. alright.. you mention you propose to bring your bf along.. it would be weird for a normal person and da hint would be evidently strong enough for a normal person.. but being the freak he is.. he doesn't get it and try harder to convince you..

then you past it to your bf to settle.. he tries so hard to be nice to him.. but dat freak still dun get it.. one has to ask 'why is he being so desparate?'.. and so your bf really did ask him that.. then he replied that he's not desperate but just that you are thinking to much.. and then suddenly it became a sort of an argument wit himself cause seriously hey you dun give a damn if he jumped off the 5th floor..

so given that it was my bf who talked to him through sms, i really ain't thinking too much.. he really is a freak.. and we should ask god ' why?? why us?? why earth??' ..

yet another year

2008-12-11T07:11:00.000-08:00

hehe..

last year's bday was the bomb cause it was a surprise birthday..

this year's bday is even better cause it's the most unique...!

hehe... check out my cakessssssss.........!! ^^nice rite??
got white chocolate macadamia, marble cheese, lemon cheese and chocolate walnut..

all like damn fantastic!!

hehe.. was there wit my roomate pinky and housemates zi wen and rong han and his gf from his hometown ^^

thks for such a nice bday u guys!! happy 20.. ^^

BAD HAIR DAY

2008-12-10T07:03:00.000-08:00

argh....................!!!!!!!!!

fucking piece o shit of a hairstylish cut my hair into shit...........!!!!!!!!!
so much dulanness and full of fucking cibainess of curse words to describe that fucking idiot!!!!!!!!!!!
just freaking cut it all off la fucking piece of shit hair doesnt fucking manner!!!!!!!!!!
argh...........!!!!!!!!!
pointless to leave my hair long de!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
fucking no fucking point for it to be longer than my ear........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

reasons for the past

2008-12-06T01:50:00.001-08:00

last nite i dreamt of him again.. dancing our hearts out to the beats of the DJ on the semi lit dance floor.. our bodies touching each other.. devoured by the estacy of deep longing, i treasured every moment of it..

it wasn't a dream..
it did happen..

i believe that everything happens for a reason.. same goes to the never ending crush i have for him.. he wasn't my first love nor my first bf but he was the first to start everything..

he made me understand who i really was deep down.. a person who isn't strong enough yet still wanted to appear strong and a person who is afraid of a wasted life waiting for an unrequited love.. yet someone strong enough to face rejection..

because of him, i understood the pain and loneliness of unreturned love.. and the stretch of time waiting and convincing was never ending and unbearable..

but also because of him, i understood the happiness and sincerity of undying love..
because of him, i met another who cherishes me and whom i cherish with all my heart..

all that have happened..
the feelings that i have felt..
the pain i have gone through..
have made me the person i am now..

for that i am truly grateful..
in time i hope to regard what happened as memories and move on without looking back anymore instead of waiting for the impossible..
may you also find your own happiness tommy..
may we always be friends..:]

2008 miracle

2008-12-03T06:18:00.000-08:00

when this feels right.. you damn know it's right..
it's been like ages since i held my M&G gell pen and felt so inspired..
my right hand flew across the paper, creating what i people call vandalism on the piece of paper before me..
the resut was.........
yea aint good bt it came from the heart..
luv u dear.. ^^

ignorance is bliss

2008-12-01T05:57:00.000-08:00

argh.. feeling emo again recently..

wats up wit me these days.. i can go on for weeks n months without friends.. lock myself in the house n watch tv the whole day till the sun sets then lie on the road at 2 am to stare at the moon n stars..

yea sure i already sound emo talking like dat bt that was pretty much my primary n high school life on weekends or whenever i have the chance to do so.. being alone was the best time ever..

no one had to care bout me n i dun have to care bout anyone or anything if i dun wan to.. why is it now that i can't even get through the week without company or with just a computer and internet..

i'm worried bout some o my friends but then again its nt like i can do anything to help if they dun wanna say anything.. maybe its just their time of the month or maybe its just me..

its really weird... its like something changed inside o me.. i cant say whatever and really mean it 100%..! its like i only mean it 70% then my mind will start wondering n thinking of nonsense again.. lame rite.. have lost control of myself a little by little all these years?

get a grip roz.. ur in a different env.. takes time..

just one person in the end..

2008-11-13T05:23:00.000-08:00

once again i'm reminded that i'm only one person...
i'm only one person so i can't have everything nor can everything be according to what i want, how i want it..

is it really so hard to be true yourself without hurting everyone else? wanting to not hurt others by willingly to sacrifice your own happiness..

knowingly avoiding situations where it might create awkward situations or that might hurt someone else..

yea i know its kinda stupid to try to protect everyone else.. make everyone else happy.. then ask yourself if you yourself is happy.. when you know ur nt then you say to yourself 'as long as they r nt hurt then i'm happy'.

doing this i tot i'm trying to be the better person but then a friend came n told me i'm being selfish..

i'm only doing dat to feel good bout myself and try to make everyone else happy so that i can have everyone's goodwill towards me..

is dat really so...? am i really actually just trying to please everyone so that i can 'have' everyone? am i really just slowing down the pain i might cause them?

yea i made my decision in the end and i went through wat i din want to in the first place.. now dat its kinda over and done wit.. i forgot that i have hurt more than a few wit decisions made nt to in the first place..

yea i know i shouldn't feel bad for nt able to give bt yea.. i'm also one person, i cant have everything..

just wanna say i'm sorry.. i just couldnt bear to see anyone of you sad..
sorry if wat i did wasnt wat you wanted and that it's alot worse now dat only i made it clear..
i really din wanted any of you to feel this way..